Note: The post you are reading is part of my October series, 31 Lies Modern Moms Believe. Read the rest of the posts in this series here!
I have really been enjoying writing this series, where I try to debunk myths that moms from my generation (I am 33) are duped into believing by our culture.
And this one? It’s a biggie. If you are a mom right now, ages 20-40, raising little ones, I would bet my lunch you are believing this lie in some form.
LIE #14: I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS ALONE
Just for the heck of it, here’s a list I whipped up of all of the things that many young moms feel like they “must do.”
- Raise smart, musical, bilingual, athletic, artistic, obedient, adorable children.
- Take profuse pictures of those children.
- Dress stylishly.
- Make healthy, kid-friendly meals and snacks.
- Clean regularly, with seasonal “deep cleans.”
- Volunteer.
- Work, on some level.
- Have a garden and a well-landscaped yard.
- Workout regularly.
- Throw adorable themed birthday parties.
- Better yourself by reading, journaling, etc.
- Celebrate all the major holidays with gifts, decorations, and special kids activities.
- Manage the household budget, saving as much money as you can.
- Plan, orchestrate, and pack for yearly vacations.
- Have a well-decorated home.
- Go on “date nights” and “better your marriage.”
Wow, I’m tired. Did I cover it all?
I submit to you, this list is ridiculous.
I touched on it a little here, but I honestly feel like I cannot say this enough. In no other generation, in no other culture, is/was a woman expected to be as much, and do as much, as today’s American woman.
Sure, the pioneer women had rough lives…but did they need to have their nails manicured with the new seasonal nail color? Was anyone dropping by to see the interior design of their wagons?
Yes, the wealthy British ladies of the 18th century had to be well-learned and put-together…but think of all the help they had! I’d love a servant, nursemaid, or butler around here!
It’s no wonder we feel overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious. We can’t do this all alone!
Well, I submit to you, as large as this problem is, it has an easy solution. And it is twofold.
- Stop doing so much.
I told you it was easy. Take this example – I saw a friend’s picture of a birthday party on Instagram, and it was so refreshingly simple. Buns in the bags, paper plates, lunchmeat in plastic. Also, I love visiting friends who have simple, clean homes, with no ostentatious attempts to be Pottery Barn incarnate.
Isn’t it a giant relief to see women who refuse to do it all? We need to put our proverbial feet down. We need to start refusing this culture and its outlandish expectations. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a hundred more times. We do not have to do all that society says we have to do.
As to what to cut? Well, I’d say if something isn’t bringing you, God, or anyone else much joy, that item is first up on the chopping block.
2. And secondly, get help.
Once you’ve trimmed down a few unnecessary “chores” from your day-to-day life, you’re still left with a few jobs that are quite overwhelming. You know, like raising little people and somehow feeding them every four hours. As I said, still quite a massive undertaking. We need help!
And I want to be very specific here. By “help,” I do not mean babysitters and cleaning services.
Here are two sources of Help that are not utilized often enough by overwhelmed moms.
- Our husbands. We need to be delegating more to our husbands and THEN (super-important) let them do things their way.
- And secondly, old people. I am using “old” in the super-generic, politically incorrrect sense. I mean grandparents, mother-in-laws, old neighbor ladies – whoever it is that is in your circle.
Remember the Waltons? Grandma and Grandpa living right upstairs? Many cultures house multi-generations in a single home. While that certainly doesn’t sound very glamorous, imagine with me all the logistical problems it solves! More people to make dinner. More people to hold screaming babies. More people to pay the electricity.
And it’s not just a practical help we’re missing.
Women of my generation (20s-30s) are addicted to the advice of their own peers.
When we need advice, we ask our friends. When we read, it’s blogs and books by women just like us. It is nothing short of tragic how my generation has ignored and disregarded the wells of wisdom living right in our communities – the older women who have already raised their children.
I’m a teacher, so bare with me while I recap what we’ve learned today. 🙂
If you are overwhelmed:
-
Stop doing so much.
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Ask your husband.
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Find the wise, older women in your life, and take whatever help or advice they offer!
Note: The post you are reading is part of my October series, 31 Lies Modern Moms Believe. Read the rest of the posts in this series here!
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Love the advice about seeking advice from older women. We made it and we are okay so what our parents/grandparents did must work, right? Also I have a an older mom (with teenagers) and her advice has made me feel so much better about things.
Uhhhhh, was I that friend? LOL
Very good advice. I wrote recently about how sometimes we let our schedules define us, and if our toddler isn’t fed, bathed and in bed by a certain time with 5 books read to them and the kitchen already clean, ready to read a book or have a date night when we emerge from the sweet simple bed time routine. That never happens. I’ve finally got my routine to a place where I don’t care what people say, it works for me and I’m a whole lot less stressed!
I also recently asked my husband’s grandmother for her top ten pieces of household advice, because I figure in the near future she may not be here to ask and wrote it out for my blog. She is nearly 90 and I figure this a great thing to have for family archives even.
I’d love to read that! Can you link?
Stressed moms don’t necessarily have to be in the 20-40 range age group. I am much older than that, have a 10 and 17 year old at home
and feel stressed out sometimes because of the lie that I can do everything by myself!!!
Love this! Also, you are so right about our generation seeking help/advice from peers instead of older generations. It could irritate me to no end if I’d let it. Ok, sometimes I do let it. 🙂 From what i can tell we are the first generation of this happening (to this degree) and its to our and our children’s disadvantage. All the life lessons & wisdom that is being overlooked and wasted…such a shame. While saying that, I realize they don’t know everything but can offer much tried & true advice. It was so refreshing to hear someone my age speak about this! Thanks!
P.S. Enjoying the series!
I will slightly argue about getting “help” from a cleaning service. I think it’s an absolute viable option if it can be squeezed in your budget. My husband travels a lot, sometime 3-4 weeks at a time and we decided the best help he could give me is to use his travel/overtime pay to hire cleaners. So, I guess technically it is him “helping” me around the house… But in his own way! I struggled with guilt over having to hire a cleaning lady while being a stay at home mom, but we also have no grandparents where we live- so the help is much needed!!! I’ve definitely learned I can’t do it all, and being able to hire cleaners has helped a TON. Especially preserving the time we have as a family and together when he is not traveling.
I’m really sick of women truly believing that they have to do everything in the house, and their husbands just don’t. Your husband is a capable adult who can do all the same household chores you can do. If you split the chores up, there won’t be so many for you to do. Who cares if they don’t fold the sheets the same way you do. Who cares if the they don’t load the dishwasher the “right way”. Let it go…
I agree with this article completely, except that I ask my husband for help and he turns me down every time and makes me feel guilty for asking and says that I should be able to do everything because I’m young and because of his mom could do it, so could I, this argument has happened countless times. And second of all, his expectations are so high of me, and if I don’t get stuff done, he gets mad! I’m stuck! Any advice? …besides I tried to go get help from other people before and every time he would say that I betrayed him and that he doesn’t trust me and won’t be open with me at all..
I’m sorry to hear this, N. Honestly, I wonder if your husband would consider attending counseling with you? It has been very helpful to my husband and me. It sounds like he needs some help to work through his expectations and express them well.