A few weeks ago on the way to church, a son (who shall remained unnamed) remarked rather peacefully and thoughtfully, “I hate Sundays. I hate church days.”
I didn’t respond, but he had me rattled, alright.
DIDN’T LIKE CHURCH?!?!?!??
What in the world? What kind of a child was I raising here??? Sundays aren’t FUN Around here?!?! What was I doing wrong? We all know what’s next…marijuana and sneaking out of the house!
Okay, I jest a little. But I was bothered, for sure.
Until I remembered my aunt’s advice that I quoted in my book, How To Introduce Your Child To Jesus. The basic advice was, if your child doesn’t seem to enjoy church, don’t freak out. Relax – he’s human, just like the rest of us.
So while my tendency was to, well, freak out, and demand that WE JUST GO TO CHURCH, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE DO!!! thanks to my aunt, I handled it a little differently next time. When the topic came up again (probably when we were trying to squeeze into our church pants on a tense and frazzled sacred Lord’s Day, here’s what I did.
I stopped what I was doing and pulled him next to me. “(child’s name), can I tell you a secret?”
“Sometimes… (pause for effect) sometimes I don’t like church either.”
You could feel in the stillness the shock my words were having. I could almost feel a little tremor of relief (or was it laughter?) in the warm little body next to me.
“Yes, it’s true. Sometimes I’m tired. And I have a lot of things to do, and I’m hungry during church, and sometimes…I just don’t want to go.”
He was smiling now.
“But you know what? When we go to church, it makes someone really happy. Do you know who that is?”
“um…Dad?”
“God!! God loves to see us coming together and singing to him, and praying to Him. When he sees you in church worshiping him, he is so happy!”
So I felt like that was a home-run lesson right there. And truly, I do think it was an excellent point.
But alas, it didn’t completely fix the issue. I still had to brace myself on Sunday morning when I answered the inevitable question…”What day is it today?” Because the response was less than enthusiastic.
However, I developed a little plan in my head. It started with the question my mom always asks when you’re faced with a conundrum of this sort.
What is your goal?
In this case, my goal isn’t just to get everyone to go to church, with stoic obedience. My goal is to teach my kids three things.
- You are loved and understood by us.
- You are loved and understood by God.
- In our house, we obey God. (And joining together with others who believe in him on Sunday is one way to do that.)
Obviously, I could have just ignored all his protests and ordered him in the car BECAUSE IN THIS FAMILY, WE GO TO CHURCH, THAT’S WHAT!!! And for some kids, that may just work. I could see in my own, that it wasn’t working, that was growing seeds of distance and discontent. So the first step was identifying with him, letting him know that of course, it’s normal to not like church. But we do it to obey.
And then I went a step further. Now, this is not in the Bible, and for some of you, this could be completely the wrong plan. But here’s what I did.
I asked, “WHAT EXACTLY is my child disliking about Sundays? Is there anything I can do to make it a more positive and special experience?”
I imagine there are a billion things that might make little children come to love and enjoy Sundays a little more. Here are a few possibilities…
- a special snack
- a special toy
- back rubs and snuggles from mom and dad during church
- a special tradition for after church (out to eat, Grandma’s house, etc.)
IMPORTANT NOTE: I’m not saying that moms should bend over backwards to make church a big ol’ party for kids. But look back at your goals 1, 2, and 3 above. If these “special” things help to re-enforce those goals, then BY ALL MEANS USE THEM.
So for us? It wasn’t toys, snacks, or anything like that that made a difference in a positive attitude about church.
It was the funniest thing.
It dawned on me one day (as we were squeezing into those awful crunchy too-tight jeans) THIS CHILD HATES HIS CHURCH CLOTHES.
This is a kid who LOVES his special outfits and takes delight in what he wears. And I had to admit, those hand-me-down, uncomfortable church clothes were pretty horrible.
So I went and pulled up the computer (Old-Navy after-Christmas sale, if you’re curious), and got my little one to sit next to me.
AND TOGETHER WE PICKED OUT NEW CHURCH CLOTHES.
He was elated!
Who would have thunk it that a simple little plaid shirt with a boy-sized tie would make the difference between tantrums and groans, and sprinting downstairs to get dressed RIGHT AWAY MOM, BECAUSE IT’S SUNDAY!
I pray that if you, too, have a child who isn’t thrilled with the church experience, that you, too, might have a glimpse into their little mind. That you might have humility to admit your own humanity (and the guts to keep on going to church anyway).
And yes…that you might be blessed with abundant insight when you brainstorm, what might make this special, and treasured, and holy for my little one?
Have you dealt with your kids not wanting to go to church? How do you handle it?
Follow "Smartter" Each Day on Facebook!
Follow Jessica on Instagram!
Want my "Favorite Things" newsletter?
I hate lots of annoying emails, so I won't send them! Just motherhood + life tips, a few times a month.
Follow
Your posts makes us all feel better that we’re not the only ones who sometimes have this don’t-want-to-go-to-church problem on Sundays. I wholeheartedly agree with your three reasons. My oldest loves art. I would love to explore more of an after-church art link to make him more interested in the sermons. Perhaps he could listen for ideas that could inspire a project.
Would your child be interested in drawing what the sermon is about? I know this helped some kids in our old church, and some had some really profound drawings that were far more simple illustrations of what the pastor was talking about. I know one church who has a lady draw on a big board up the back with the kids what the pastor is talking about and the following week all the kids go out and do a follow up Sunday School lesson about the actual sermon.
When we were younger we didn’t go to church so much but as we were older sometimes we didn’t want to go to church as teenagers and Mum would often let us stay home, though at other times we were fully involved helping with music, communion etc. However our church was very small and only old people so there weren’t any other younger people under 50 for us to connect with. Now two of us have moved away and have found other churches, and my other sister who lives in the same town goes to another church where she is one of the leaders for the young people.
I JUST had this conversation with my 5-year-old last Sunday… except that my response was not nearly as constructive as yours. Thanks for the help!
A couple of months ago I realized that part of why Sunday mornings were rough for us (aside from the fact that my husband is a pastor who is up and at the church before dawn so I’m doing the get ready routine by myself with two kids) was that my daughter was really uncomfortable in the super cute “Sunday dresses” that I really wanted her to wear. One I let her just wear a pair of leggings with a soft top she was so much happier to get ready and it stopped being a crazy mess. I had to give up on fancy dresses with adorable tights and shiny shoes, but what I got in return was a child who was still dresses in a perfectly appropriate way and was much happier to load up and go to church.
I had to laugh. We’ve been struggling with this same scenario with our five year old. We also just figured out that he didn’t “like” church because he hates church clothes. A quick change of wardrobe also changed his attitude!
This was so relevant in my world this week! I was crushed when my typically happy three-year-old little lady announced that she “hated” Sundays. (and that is a big word for her!) Thank you for the tips! I love your honesty! 🙂
Has anyone had any issues with if one parent doesn’t go to church? Right now my one daughter is 7 Months old and the other is 5 so far we haven’t had any issues my 5 year old loves and looks forward to church every Sunday but my fear is one day one of them might say why do I have to go when daddy doesn’t? Do you or anyone else have any advice about that
I don’t have any advice, but am in a similar situation. My kids are 9, 7, and 4. The oldest two usually resist attending because daddy choses not to attend. Obviously, the “in our house, we obey God” technique doesn’t make sense in this environment. We explain that adults get to make their own choices about church, but it sure makes discipleship confusing for a kid. Any ideas?
Just say that whatever daddy does is his own business but I’m responsible for you before God so I want us to go to church like the Bible tells us to 🙂
Thanks for this! We are struggling with my 9 year old, which has been going on off and on for a couple years. This post shed new light on the “whys” and the how to take a different approach to talking to him about it. Also glad to know I’m not the only mom to have a temporary freak out in my head when he resists on Sundays! 🙂
For my son it was clothes too! Our church has a big outreach to the children in the apartments near the church…especially low income kids with single parents who often have to work and can’t bring them to church, and are leaving preteen age kids mostly to their own devices. So we started a program of offering breakfast during Sunday school and families “adopting” children to sit with them at church (i have my son and a family of 4 boys between 5-12). J hated that the other kids were in “normal clothes” and he was stuck in church clothes. After talking to my pastor…I gave up the fight. He wears his “good” exercise pants and a T-Shirt (instead his normal athletic shirt). But he holds the 4 year old in his arms, helps him make the motions with songs, while shhhing the 6 year old an answering comments about what the pastor says. Much more important than what he wears, and it makes the kids feel more accepted. And now her one weekend a month off mom comes too, because her kids won’t miss church
Love this!
My kids are not always thrilled when Mommy says “Get ready for church….” I never thought to tell them how sometimes Mommy didn’t want to go as a child, or how some days I really want to get work done around the house and it would be easier not to go.
I also love the idea of doing something special for them on church days. Our church makes a kids bulletin which is a great incentive because it is packed full of word games and pictures to color that they can do at church or take home with them afterwards. Giving them special cuddles during church is also a plus.
We pray for the persecuted church every day. So, when my son (age 9) asked me the inevitable question one Sunday, I had a ready response.
K: Mom, do we HAVE to go to church?
Me: No. We GET to go to church.
K: (thoughtfully) What do you mean by that?
Me: Well, if we lived in the Middle East, and we tried to go to church to worship God, what would happen?
K: (his face filled with understanding) We could be killed.
Me: Yes. We GET to go to church.
K: I see.
Sometimes it just takes a little perspective. 🙂
I like your teaching in this. My 10 year old is in a Catholic grade school. This year they have started attending Mass three times a week plus adoration once a week. Only since this change have I started hearing about how she doesn’t want to go on Sundays with the rest of the family. Any suggestions?
I’m sorry, Kelli – I don’t have much experience yet with that age. What I think I would recommend is to say, i’m sorry, the people in our family go to church. And then make it a very positive experience. Snuggle her in the pew, bring a special drawing toy to do during the sermon, go out to eat before or after even if its a special donut or a fast-food thing. I personally wouldn’t harbor long conversations about it, though you could ask her what has changed and why she thinks that…
My son is 2.5 and hates church because he doesn’t like to be separated from us to go to the toddler church. He cries and sometimes hyperventilates. We cannot attend toddler church with him or check in to give cuddles and leave him again as it is not allowed by the church policy. We cannot take him to the service because it is too hard for him to sit so long at this age, no matter how well behaved he is. And when we go to church he begs to stay with us and says he doesn’t like church cuz it scares him. Don’t know what to do. So we just stopped going to church, and are suffering spiritually in the meantime while we try to figure out some solution. *sad*
Holly, I think bringing him in the service is your best option. My book,” How To Introduce your child to Jesus” is free for subscribers right now. It includes a lot of tips about bringing kids into the service. Even if you have to take turns towards the end of the service taking him out, he’ll get it. Stick with it! It’s worth it!
Thank you and may God bless you for sharing your experience with this challenge! You gave me some great ideas to think on and try out with my 13 year old daughter.
I have a 13 year old daughter who all of a sudden has no desire to go to church. She claims there is a lady who can mean at times. She happened to be the Childrens leader who is a little pushy. She was also a school teacher. My daughter also says its 😫 boring at church. I promise its just the opposite. I believe it can be a mistake to force them to church just because its what we do. I’m sure at her age it can be outside interference from friends. Its the greatest joy a dad can have when your family attends church together. Some things are out of our control. Only God can change a heart. We have to let go and let God do what only He can. The devil is a very busy man. Some advice would be appreciated. Thanks and God bless.