Note: The post you are reading is part of my October series, 31 Lies Modern Moms Believe. Read the rest of the posts in this series here!
Lies Moms Believe #9: Technology Is Good For Kids
Disclaimer: I have attempted to write this post about 27 times. Each time, I cannot get past the title, without feeling like I am sounding judgmental, or annoying, or one of those moms who just “thinks she knows the right way to do everything.” So I have stopped.
The truth is, though, I feel like I have something to say, and I feel like I cannot complete my “Lies Modern Moms Believe” without addressing the issue.
And here is what I have to say.
I think kids under 12 are better off without having known that the iPad (or apps on the iPhone) have ever existed.
If you’re tempted to feel judged or annoyed by this statement, let me say two things.
- In no possible way do I feel like I have all the Parenting Answers. Just yesterday, I NEARLY BURNED THE HOUSE DOWN (like, so much smoke the fire trucks had to come) because I put rice on to boil and WALKED AWAY FOR 45 MINUTES.
I’d love to pretend like this spaciness and distracted mothering is a rare occurrence, but, alas, it is not. And there are a million other things I battle. I live in constant doubt about whether I am giving my children all they need. I lose my temper.
2. And perhaps most notably: I myself am horrible with technology. I think that’s why I have passion for this issue. I have strong feelings about kids using their parents iPhones, playing games on their iPads, having their own “computer time,” but I also have a lot of grace.
I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve been doing something wrong in parenting, but have no clue how to fix it.
I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve been doing something wrong in parenting, but be terrified of how the kids will respond if you change everything up.
I know what it’s like to be so, so tired that you are tempted to resort to technology to entertain your kids.
I know what it’s like to be willing to do nearly anything to stop hearing children fight.
But I’m going to ask you something. With this issue, as many others, it is helpful for us to just ask ourselves one question.
What does my gut tell me is right?
I will tell you what my gut tells me. My gut tells me ~
- My gut tells me I don’t feel great about my children being taught/entertained/absorbed in technology for too long. Period.
- My gut tells me childhood is short. So few years for innocence, and curiosity, and digging in the dirt for worms. So few years for building things out of Legos, hammering down play-Doh, rolling around on the grass, playing UNO for hours on end, swinging so high you make the swingset jump. There is so much to be done in childhood.
- My gut tells me technology is addictive. A few months ago, my Sam (6) was curious how much a pretend bow and arrow would cost. I introduced him to the world of Amazon.com, and we browsed a few different types. SINCE THEN, NOT A DAY HAS PASSED THAT HE DOESN’T WANT TO “GET ON THE COMPUTER” TO SEE THE TOYS. Even with something so ostensibly innocent as browsing items on Amazon, it is shocking the additive effect it had on him. It is like something “clicked on” in his brain. And I don’t need Sam to tell me this. I know this myself.
- My gut tells me that technology, literally, changes your mind. There are oodles of studies to back this up (this article was interesting, for one example). They tell us screen time lowers children’s attention span, takes away their time to daydream, pretend, and imagine, that it actually lowers problem-solving skills, squashes communication abilities, and even makes them feel lonely. But you know, I don’t need any study to tell me all this. I am a different person today because of technology, and frankly, I miss the Jessica who was 12 and filled her spare moments with books, and journaling, and casual conversation, who went days without the compulsion to “check” anything.
- And finally, my gut tells me that children don’t need to “learn” technology, and they don’t need technology to learn. One of the biggest “objections” I hear is, “Oh, but they need to learn how to use technology, or they’ll be behind!” That’s nonsense, and I can prove it. I run a successful blog, and make money doing it. UNTIL I WAS 20 YEARS OLD, I HAD NEVER USED THE INTERNET. How about you, parents? Do you feel “behind”?
Personally, my brain has done a remarkable job of somehow magically learning all I need to know. Way too good of a job, to be quite honest, as I’m addicted to the medium.
And kids, I submit, are just as adaptable. When the time comes that children *need* to know how to use technology, whether it’s 13, or 17, or 21, they will VERY QUICKLY adapt, especially if you have provided them with actual intellectual skills – skills like curiosity, patience and problem-solving. My gut tells me they will be just fine without the PBS mobile apps to teach them shapes and colors.
Sometimes I envy my children, to be honest with you. Their life is the life right in front of them. Their funniest interactions and most relaxing moments are with the actual people around them. They don’t know what it’s like to feel the tug of technology ruin a perfectly good moment.
And I want to keep them that way as long as I possibly can.
~~~
A few practical notes on this issue:
- You cannot address the issue of technology in your children, without addressing it in your own life. Over the past two days, Sam (who is 6) has read 150 pages of a Hardy Boys mystery. I am tickled – and convicted by this. Over the past two days, I have probably spent – I don’t know – 40 minutes? browsing various useless and random things on the internet. What could I have read in that time?? As he gets older, and begins to use technology, I want to be an example of a grown-up who still reads books and talks to people, and isn’t absorbed in a screen somewhere.
- If you feel “the ship as sailed” with this issue, because your kids are too old, or you just haven’t made habits you wanted to – IT IS NOT TOO LATE (read this). Kids are much more adaptable than we give them credit for. The first 24 hours will be the worst, but they soon will adapt to the new changes, find new hobbies, and be the better for it.
Especially if you are right there with them.
~
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Note: The post you are reading is part of my October series, 31 Lies Modern Moms Believe. Read the rest of the posts in this series here!
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I agree! While my little one is still an infant, my husband and I have already decided that his technology time is going to be limited to when one of us is holding the device. Yes, we video chat with family regularly already, but we do not intend to let him sit and play on an ipad at three years old. I understand why you feel judgmental. It’s a tough decision, and one where I feel we are in the minority. However, like you, I feel in my gut that this is what is right for my children. Maybe my opinion will change over time, but – for now – my husband and I say he will be 12 before he gets any type of technology of his own. And even then we will put limits on it. Thank you for an honest post!
I spent my childhood mostly reading, and doing a few of the play-time activities you mentioned (we didn’t have Legos yet). I did not use a computer or Internet until I was 35.
Not a day goes by that I don’t envy the adults who learned computer skills from little on up, who can take care of computer glitches as easily and naturally as I can say the multiplication tables. Can they do math in their head? No. But it doesn’t matter now.
I am chronically frustrated, angry, lost and clueless with the tools I have to work with now. Daily I feel like an idiot because I don’t know this tech stuff and have no base to build on. I am not a better person for having the kind of childhood I did, any more than people are better because they grew up without TV, telephones, microwaves, calculators or cars. Sure, your little boy wants to get on the computer every day to look at the toys. It’s the toys that are addictive. Does he not show the same interest in toys at stores or on TV ads, if you use TV?
Don’t handicap your children. We were, but in a different way, socially. It doesn’t feel good when you grow up. I am thankful for technology because it has markedly improved my social interactions, when I can get it to work.
My kids spend hours outside playing. As I look out my window now, I see a half built tree fort, ropes strung across my backyard, and two very muddy kids. There are water color pencils and nature journals strewn across the patio table. The picture of a perfect, simple tech. Free childhood. Except it’s not. Because when they woke up this morning they both jumped out of bed and checked the panda and eagles cams on their iPads. They came down to breakfast bubbling with excitement about how much they had grown overnight. The contraption with the ropes in my backyard was inspired by something they came up with in a game of mine craft on the Xbox earlier, before abandoning it to go make their own “real life” aka physical) version. And halfway through playing they ran in to check YouTube for directions on how to type a specific knot. My kids have (almost) unlimited access to technology. My toddler owns his own iPad, and my 8 year old spends her evenings coding software with her daddy (after she showers from the muddy days spent outside). In my house we differentiate active and passive technology. Technology that gets kids playing, inventing and thinking is aloud, tv you sit and passively consume is limited (we don’t watch tv, and movies are a rare treat). Blogging, e-mail, FaceTime, those are not the tech skills of the future. Coding, developing, the ability to interact with and make computers do what we need them to is going to be expected in the workplace or at least very highly valued (aka well paid). And 20 years ago when you were tech. Illiterate so was everyone else. That’s not the same as having our kids be decades behind their peers.
Thanks for sharing this! I think we are so afraid as parents that somehow our children are deprived or missing out if we decide things against the grain of culture. We need to look at our overall goals of parenting and not be afraid to make decisions. Our children need wise guidance. If we as parents have trouble with self control when it comes to technology, then our children no doubt will struggle with being consumed! The days when my three year old has no technology at all end up being his best behavior days. I’ve always found that interesting.
I think there is a difference between giving your kids access to technology and allowing technology to replace real human interaction.
Just for a point of reference, I am 36 years old now.
I was less than 12 when the Commodore 64 entered my home. I was less than 12 when I learned how to do some basic programming in BASIC. It was a legitimate outlet for creativity. I learned how to change the colors on the “operating system” (for lack of a better term for a Commodore). I learned how to create some basic games, and I was using the computer to write some short stories in those days.
That computer was also a legitimate form of family entertainment. My dad and my sister and I spent hours together playing text-based adventure games on that computer. Arcade games were a legitimate source of bonding, too.
Some of my earliest memories are of boing to a video arcade with my Uncle Timmy and my dad. Finding a stool or a box to stand on was always a big part of the outing because I was too short to see the screen when we played Q-Bert or Centipede.
I think, like everything else, moderation is the key.
I think this post is very interesting and thought provoking. Perhaps the technology question could start with whether or not we should constantly watch children on monitors?
I saw this article and would like to quickly tell part of my story. I’m 15 now, and although I can’t see how I’m going to turn out, I know that having little or no technology as a child was an enormous gift to me.
My parents lived abroad, and so access to these kind of things was lower anyway. Phones were too expensive, I can’t even remember wanting one, and our internet constantly broke down. We were allowed one hour computer time…I think that started around when I was about 6 or 7 and my sister must have been 9 or 10. We had to do our homework and jobs first though. We rarely used that time…there was very little to do. Instead we’d decide not to have it and go play outside or read instead. We got a black and white kindle to read books which we could get where we lived.
Then me and my sister saved up enough money to get a simple tablet. It was decided that it would count as computer time if we went on that, making up to our total of an hour, but on Saturdays and Holdiays we could have an extra half hour.
We weren’t close to perfect, I remember breaking the rules sometimes to get a little more time, or my sister and I would argue about how long each other had been online but it worked really well for us, and we often chose not to go online instead to read or listen to audio.
The other great rule we had was a no tech Sunday. My parents wanted it to be a day of rest so the only technology we used was an online audio drama- whitsend. And every two or three weeks we would watch a movie on the computer. We had a TV but it was broken and now that we are back home we don’t have one at all.
I remember my childhood as an amazing time which I miss exceedingly…anyway this is just my experience firsthand- I thought it might help people to hear from one of the ‘kids’ who grew up without much technology until the age of 12/13.
Hearing you say this is news to my ears. Having my boys bullied because they are tech free is hard. Its all their friends talk about and i know that they will be better for it in the future. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and inspiration
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There is one hesitation I have to this. Once kids are older and are able to make choices on their own (without mom and dad’s say) my fear is that by not allowing technology in their life they will go overboard with it once they can get their hands on it. Like adults nlw – many never had a computer growing up a d now that technology is so accessible nearly all of the adults I know are WAY worse with screen time than my husband and I are. We never had the TV on with my son until he was nearly 2. I very much believed in following the APA recommendation, but when I had my daughter we allowed tv while I nursed. He quickly became addicted. We have weaned him off to 30 minutes of screen time a day, but we decided it is more important to allow it in moderation so be understands how to manage technology and the rest of the world. We will never allow screen time while out and about or at the dinner table or with family. I anticipate we will only use tv (I have learned never say never in parenting). Technology scares me but I feel like I shouldn’t shield them from it since it is something they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Great article! I agree, I just wish the rest of the world and my kids’ friends/family felt the same way.
Believe that moderation is called for.
Great post! I completely agree. I’ve read too many studies on this and the source that never lies – (your gut feeling/motherly instinct) has also confirmed.
I agree too that kids will follow their parents’ example more than words, which has made me hyper-cognizant of my own time being spent with electronics.
I run my own online business and have developed a good strategy/system that works for us.
I removed the tv and games from our main living areas and only allow my boys to do homework on their computer, which i hate. When my boys had access to tv it was constant fighting over doing homework, reading and getting outside to play and do chores. Since, my eldest boy reads all the time, plays and uses his imagination and helps with chores around the house. He is also excelling at school from bottom to top in 7 months. My youngest is still struggling because he finds it hard as he gets teased at school because at age 8 I said no to fortnight and venom and other violent killing games and movies. I am not judging other parents by M is 15 plus. not 8 year old kids who still have nightmares. He struggles because his friends dont play outside or play board games or have pets that they spend time with or do chores. I am not bringing back the tv and I think my boys will appreciate it later in life.
This is true! Every word. My oldest is turning 17, middle is 13 and youngest is 11. We gave oldest a phone at 14.5 and I wish I waited until 16. However, unless you homeschool, this will be impossible for you. I wish I had homeschooled, starters younger and had 5, but the media and technology is totally addictive, ruins their natural ability to entertain themselves, exposes them to the ugliness of the world far too young etc etc.