Yesterday at the library, my children checked out 33 books, topics ranging from Star Wars to trash trucks. Me? I checked out one book. One, solitary book.
The Strong-Willed Child.
I’ve been on a man-hunt for that book for the last six months or so…probably since about the time that Ty (4), my middle child, threw a tantrum SO EPIC that the neighbor lady knocked on the door “to make sure everything was alright.”
(Oh, yes, everything is perfectly fine. I just locked my middle child in the garage to calm down because he was thrashing, screaming, and pounding doors down. No worries. Everything is peachy, peachy keen in here. Thanks for checking.)
We knew Ty was strong-willed since he could talk. His second word was, “No.” And he would say it with all the ferocity and passion he could muster as a twenty-pound thirteen-month-old. It went like this.
“Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno!”
We do it now to make him laugh. But the spirit is still there, strong as ever. The other day in a playdate-gone-bad he told me, dead serious: “I do NOT like when ANYONE tells me what to do!” No kidding.
The truth is, over the past year, I have kind of felt a little discouraged and confused about what to do with him, how to handle it. I kept coming up with these excuses in my head of why I couldn’t really be too hard on him.
Because he’s the middle child.
Because he feels slower, smaller, left out.
Because we hadn’t spent enough quality time with him.
Because I was afraid he would hate life even more if we came down on him hard.
Finally I formulated a philosophy that sounded right in my head. I told my sister I had a new plan for Ty. “Love hard; discipline hard.”
So I started with Step One, because that sounded like the easiest. We started to pour into our little overlooked middle child. I watched how he jammed each and every stuffed animal into his book bag. (“They all want to be together, Mom.”) I took him out for ice cream, just us. I scratched his little back, because he just loved it, so much. I realized how passionately he HATED when someone raced down the stairs ahead of him. So I slowed down.
I tried to love him in his own way. We definitely saw some progress from the “love hard” phase.
But something was still missing.
I knew it had to do with the discipline part. I knew something had to happen in those moments when he glared me down with a look that said, “I don’t care WHAT you do to me, I will NOT obey you.” But we were honestly at a genuine loss of how exactly to handle these moments. After a lot of prayer and discussion, here are a few things we started doing that have made a world of difference.
- Imagine it was someone else’s child acting the way your child was acting. What would you expect another parent to do? If I imagined some other random child speaking to or acting like his mother and father the way ours did sometimes, it became clear. Discipline was needed! This might sound like a silly little process, but it was important for me, because it objectified things for me when I wasn’t sure if I should act or not.
- Resolve that certain behaviors were not acceptable in our home, period. No matter how frustrated / left out / whatever our kids may feel at a given moment, there are a few things we will never tolerate in our home. There are really only three that I narrowed in on. 1 – Disrespect to parents . 2 – disobeying parents. 3 – being hurtful to others. I stopped making excuses for him, because I knew that NO MATTER WHAT, these things are never acceptable.
- When these things happened, I tried to go through the same steps every time with him:
- I love you.
- What you did broke God’s rules for us.
- I’m sad that you have to be punished, but we have to obey God.
- Punishment (whether spanking, a time-out, or loss of a privilege)
- Reconciliation. We always hug. Sometimes there are tears and anger, so I’ll just say, well, you can sit in here until you are ready to give me a hug. I always try to come out happy and smiling with them. Oh boy is this hard, and I would be lying if I said I do it perfectly. There were plenty of times that I’m grumpy, frazzled, and that “angry mom” voice erupts from deep within. But these steps – they are the goal.
And here’s the amazing thing…In the past few months, Ty has gotten more discipline, more spankings, more time-outs, more talking-tos, more consequences, etc. etc. THAN HIS WHOLE LIFE COMBINED.
And he is so happy.
Okay so we still have our moments. But all the attention – both the fun moments and the hard ones – have built up his little confidence and happiness. It’s obvious, and probably the greatest accomplishment of my past year. It’s like he was waiting for us to step in.
I’m only on page 18 of my library book, The Strong-Willed Child, but I found this insightful nugget last night:
“When a parent refuses to (discipline a defiant child), something changes in their relationship. The youngster begins to look at his mother and father with disrespect: they are unworthy of allegiance. More important, he wonders why they would let him do such harmful things if they really loved him. (italics mine)
If Parental Discipleship is the Empire State Building, I’m in the elevator on the 2nd floor. Very beginning. But I think I’m onto something: Our kids don’t want us to ignore their naughtiness. They want discipline. Don’t just ignore the behavior because you’re afraid. Step in to their world. Discipline hard, and love even harder.
ps. – Y’all. I have done charts, stickers, candy, smiley faces, stoplights… But I have found a gem. I have a little trick that has been a LIFE SAVER for a rewards/consequence system. And it’s so simple! Stay tuned for Post #2 in this Winter Parenting Series: The $10 Purchase That Transformed My Kids Behavior Overnight.
pps. For the times you think there should be a parenting manual, try these.
I would really love to hear your thoughts on this issue. Do you have any strong-willed children around? What works for them?
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Loved this… I’m crying as I was reading this, since I’m going through similar things with my ‘second’ child.
Believe it or not, my sweet daughter is and was extremely strong willed. I wholeheartedly agree with “love hard” and I would say the boundaries should be firm (but delivered with kindness). Much easier said than done. “Velvet boundaries” is how I described what she seemed to need. I definitely noticed (and still do) a sunnier disposition when I hold the line. I might have to weather a storm or two. But once it passes…if I’m still standing…everything is better and her attitude is much improved. I think it’s easy as a “tender-hearted” mom to think most everything is my fault. But (and I’m still learning this), I need to encourage her to be a better human being (by not taking responsibility for her poor behavior. Of course, you have many years to “work on things.” In my experience these issues remain (they just show up in different ways) throughout childhood. Sounds like you’re taking good steps.
That comment about what you would expect another parent to do with their child is really helpful. I used to work in a Sunday School and wished I could discipline, sometimes I get worn out by Miss 2 and so have to step back and ask myself what I would tell the parent to do with them. Helps put things into perspective.
I’m a mom of 4 uniquely wonderful children, ages 12 to 21. They all have had their strong willed moments and our daughter (19) is extremely strong willed and is also bipolar. I want to encourage you to persevere. Your love hard/discipline hard technique is exactly right. Consistency in discipline, responsibility for actions and unconditional love is crucial to a strong willed child’s maturity. They may be challenging, but what they accomplish in life can be nothing short of astonishing. There were times when they were young (and especially in the teen years) that we wanted to give up and give in, but God showed us time and time again to keep persevering. I sometimes look on in awe at our children now and with tears in my eyes say “thank you Lord”. Our 2 oldest children are now in post secondary. The 21 year old is getting married to a beautiful young lady in June and is finishing up one degree and heading into Pharmacy (maybe medicine after that). Our 19 year old Bipolar daughter is finishing up her Chef and restaurant management diploma and is on to get a degree in Social Work. She wants to use both careers to help troubled teens and young adults learn a good work ethic and help them get a start in the world. The 16 and 12 year olds boys are becoming wonderful young men of integrity. Keep going, love unconditionally, discipline consistently, pray daily together, listen when they speak and above all…listen to God (especially to His word) intently and pray, pray, pray.
I see a lot of wisdom in this post, Jessica. It’s so easy sometimes to make excuses for our kids, but you’re right– it’s not doing them or your family any favors in the long run. I really love what you said about loving hard. I think it’s so important to have that foundation of knowing that you love and really see your child. It’s good for your child, but it’s also good for you when you feel like all you’ve done that day is discipline. You know that even though it may seem like it, there are still plenty of moments when you are connecting in positive ways with your child. As far as the increase in discipline, a friend with older children once told me that there are stages when the need for discipline increases, but then it will taper off again. Especially at the young ages of our children, they are testing the boundaries and we are setting the limits. Establishing a foundation of obedience and self-control now when they are little (and that’s the biggest issues they have) will be super helpful when they are older and facing deeper, more serious struggles.
Personally, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the “strong-willed” child recently. I don’t want to throw out the term as a whole, but wonder if it is not too liberally used. I have seen so many articles recently about strong-willed children and it’s made me think. I am certain that some children have more submissive temperaments, while others are more stubborn. But I also think that sometimes it’s easier to say “my child is just strong-willed” than to really look at maybe it’s more an issue of a sinful attitude of insisting on their own way that needs to be corrected and addressed. Does this make sense? Like I said, it’s just been something I’ve been considering recently.
Thanks as always for writing a post with a lot of encouragement/ food for thought.
I don’t have kids, but I remember being a teenager. My parents were the conservative ones. And I was the kid whose friends laughed at all my restrictions. I didn’t even disagree with that many of them, but it’s hard to tell friends you think something is wrong and easy to tell them it’s not allowed.
It didn’t happen too often, but there were times when my friends with the laid-back parents were actually a little wistful of mine.
“At least your parents care what you do.”
And it’s not exactly like I was the easy kid. I went through a period in middle school where I was grounded so often that my friends begged me not to mouth off to my parents. I pushed my parents to the point where they wanted to give up.
But they didn’t. And at 30, I’m a well adjusted adult and we have a great relationship.
I am struggling with a 2 year old who has discovered the joy of saying naughty words. Reallly naughty words. At home, in restaurants, and – gulp – even in church. It is so hard to break him of this habit. He’s the type of child that likes any attention – even the attention you get from doing something bad.
We try so hard to hold the line and balance the hugs/kisses with the consequences. But I have days where it feels like all I’m doing is scolding, reminding, redirecting, and punishing. I know it’ll pay off down the road, having a well behaved child, but it’s so hard right now!
Good read for a yucky week. I have a bright, passionate 4 year old whose witty comments keep me on my toes. Often, my husband and I are taken aback by her rudeness and unkind behavior. We are holding our ground but don’t always love the way we have to hold our ground with her. I look forward to post number 2!
I was that strong-willed middle child. I had strict parents that used spanking as a form of discipline. As soon as I was old enough I was out of there home.
What people don’t see in the strong-willed child is the amounts of passion we possess and more importantly how sensitive we are. For 10yrs, I blamed God for letting them do that to me and only now since having my son have I came back to Christ.Telling a child, it’s God will that they are spanked can do so much damage and I living proof of that.
I now have a 4yr old strong willed child and have found that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
It so beautiful how a gentle approach can calm a child and I see how my son treats his friends with so much respect not because its demanded of him but because it is how he is treated. For example, we had 3 playmates over today who are all from gentle homes in the 6hrs they were playing together not a harsh word was said, everyone took turns without adult intervening and they were so kind to each other. I have taught my son by example “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Forgave you.” Through gentleness, he has learnt “the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faitfulness, Gentleness and self-control.
Dare to Discipline? Dobson describes, in detail, how he beats his dogs to will them to “submit.” and suggests the same treatment of children. If you want to raise a sociopath, by all means, go by his child abuse manual. I will continue to raise my children free from violence and by following the “golden rule” and treating them the way I like to be treated. It doesn’t work to model violent disrespectful behavior while telling children to do the opposite. You need to model the behavior you want to see. Discipline means to teach, not to punish. If you work on building a nurturing, trusting relationship with your children, they will want to please you and will follow directions because they will respect you. My kids are 9 and 15 and I have never once hit them, put them in time out or resorted to any other type of punitive and shaming punishment. They are both very well behaved, kind hearted, funny and intelligent. Children do, indeed, learn what they live.
I urge you to reconsider and read other books and studies. I was spanked, locked in a room and while my mother showed me lots of love, I dont feel connected to her. Yes, I love her. I learnt to just keep secrets from her and not be open with her. I remember every time I was punished and I vowed to do things differently with my four children and like myself, I have had 2 children which were definitely more defiant. I have been slow to anger and shown them compassion, understanding and have asked them what is upsetting them. Yes, if there is trouble then I will stop it. I will warn them and remove toys if they aren’t playing correctly. I don’t let them run the show However, I’m showing discipline with a lot of love and kindness. My kids are now very empathetic, caring, well behaved and have a great bond with me. My oldest daughter is 19 and is always visiting and we have a very close and open relationship, the opposite to my relationship with my mom. My youngest is 4 and while he has been very testing at times, he is now very well mannered and affectionate. At first I wasn’t too sure if I was doing things correctly (who knows what is right), but now I am so glad I did things differently to my upbringing!
I wholeheartedly agree that children need discipline (to be taught.) I emphatically disagree that the best, or godly, way to do so is through punishment. I encourage anyone who is truly ‘sad’ that they need to punish, to question if in fact God calls us to punish children. There are many ways to teach- there are very effective ways to teach without punishment. Being punished James Dobson style taught me that God is waiting in the shadows to punish me when I step out of line. I’m learning that that isn’t at all who God is or what he desires for our relationship.
Don’t be discouraged by comments against spanking or other forms of discipline. Yes people have done it wrong or out of anger but Proverbs really speaks to how we can train our children. Remember it’s not our goal for our children to be our friends (although that can beautifully happen later). Rebellion is something that needs to be dealt with. Proverbs 29:19 says that servants(although I think this could apply to children) will not be corrected by words for though he understands, he will not listen. We can talk and persuade and encourage our children… Which I think our great things for the relationship but giving consequences is part of our job as parents. Thanks for being real!
I can’t find your follow-up post about your $10 purchase that transformed your kids behavior! What was it??? My curiosity is killing me! 🙂