when you’re not ready for easter: miscarriage and a miserable march

note: I wrote this post shortly after my first miscarriage. A few months later, I had a second miscarriage, a rare ectopic pregnancy. See my series: “Ectopic Pregnancy: My Story.”

When you have children, holidays aren’t optional. You might be able to get off without St. Patrick’s Day, I guess, or something like that.

But not Easter.

Well, this Easter I don’t feel like doing Easter. The pinteresty images of eggs & dye, the crafts, the baskets, the outfits… even, honestly, the conversations (the ones that as a Christian, I should love having with my little ones)…these just make me tired and want to crawl in a hole.

I’m too tired. I’m done.

The month of March has worn us. My boys are (gratefully) recovered from a ravenous version of the flu. That was exhausting. Then I got it. That was exhausting. Then, we had a miscarriage. seven weeks.

I feel really uncomfortable trying to articulate miscarriage. I think for every child lost, that mother’s experience is distinct. For me, I realized how weird and complicated all the feelings can be. Grief, yes. But also, so strong:

Exhaustion.

Fear. What if? again…?

Guilt. What if I hadn’t…?

Gratitude. For so many kind people. for my mom. for my children, my health. That everywhere my eye falls, it’s a blessing and not something to be sad about today.

And fierce determination. Next time I will.. And, right now, I’m enjoying my life. Carpe diem-ing these kids, and this sunshine, and this money and not squandering it all in stupid savings.

But now here’s Easter in the midst of all this, coming on. Taunting me, making me feel guilty. It’s a job and I can’t do it. I was just going to ignore it, or do an exhausted halfway job.

Until I read this. An article from Ann Voskamp: “Forget Perfect: When All You Need for Easter is the Lamb.”

What a relief, a wonderful relief those words were, and are.

Because it’s been a long month. We don’t have any baskets out, here. We did. I don’t know where they are. I wanted to make resurrection eggs, but we didn’t. We haven’t done one craft. I don’t know what we’re wearing on Sunday, what we’re eating, what will go in the baskets. I tried to explain Easter again today in the car to Sam. I’ll try again. That seems really overwhelming right now.

I keep listening to this song, and it is so real to me right now.

 

We’re not ready for “Easter.”

We just need Jesus.

We need Him to be alive.

We need Him to conquer death and bad things.

We need heaven to be real.

We’re tired, and we need rest.

We need hope, and light, and to live ever and ever forever with our family.

We don’t want Easter. We just need Jesus. And I think that’s okay.

Happy Easter. Enjoy it. I’m going to.

Jessica

 “Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest.” (matthew 11:28)

 

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