Lie Moms Believe #6 : “I Will Always Be A Yelling Mom”

Note: The post you are reading is part of my October series, 31 Lies Modern Moms Believe. Read the rest of the posts in this series here!

One of my most tender moments of parenting Sam happened about 9:30 p.m. after a very LOOOOONG, emotional day.

I don’t know what I was yelling about, but I know I had crossed a line. I felt horrible.

After he went to bed, I sat in my room and sobbed. I crept up into his room, held his little hand. He was still awake. And I stammered the words my mommy had used on me (I knew they worked.) “Sam, mommies make mistakes, too. I’m sorry I yelled at you. Will you forgive me?”

His little eyes softened and face broke into the cutest smile. All was forgiven.

The moments when I go into “yelling mode” are my un-proudest Mommy moments.

But for the love – they pick the WRONG DAYS to wake their little sister up by arguing over whose turn it is to the look at the RIPPED AND TORN BASS PRO SHOP CATALOG. For crying out loud, people.

Anyway.

If you clicked on this post to read it, chances are you, too, feel a little convicted about your “yelling habits.” We want our children to treasure memories of bedtime stories and back-scratchings, not yelling and screaming.

You might be tempted to think that this is an area of your life that you cannot change.

This simply is not true. If you came here to find hope, here it is. Take this as your written sign in the sky.

You can change.

It is not easy, but it is worth developing better habits of relating to our children.

I don’t want to pretend that I’m going to solve all your yelling issues in one little blog post. There are so many layers to it (like our own past, the role of self-care or prayer, how to discipline, etc.) But for today’s purposes, I want to share with you two simple resources that have really helped me.

1. The first time I felt hopeful about improving this area was when I discovered the Orange Rhino Challenge: 365 Days To Yell Less + Love More. The whole blog is entertaining and definitely worth a night of perusing if you struggle with…you know…the yelling issue. Basically, the blogger (“The Orange Rhino”) challenged herself to not yell at her children for a year. How she did it is amusing and inspiring.
2. Second is a technique I developed during our recent “Rainmaggedon.” Sensing that it might be a long weekend with a 100% chance of “heavy flooding,” I knew we’d need a tactic for those moments where the kids were being…well…”annoying” is the best word that comes to mind. It worked AMAZINGLY well, with no yelling by anyone involved. I must share it with you.

Heads up: it’s basically a glorified time-out. 🙂 BUT – there are a few very simple differences that make it go from “routine” to “miraculous.” (Bold words, I know. But it’s true.)

So here’s what makes it different from the same-old time-out:

1. The Set-Up. At 8:37 a.m. on our “Rainmaggedon” weekend, I called the boys together and gave them a little speech. “Guys,” I said,” I have to tell you about mom and dad’s ears. We have this thing with our ears. When we hear fighting and arguing, it makes our ears really hurt.” (Boys looking at me with full interest.) “So, guys,” I continued, “since we can’t listen to that, we have a plan. If I say: Go to your time-out chairs! then you guys have to run as fast as you can to your spot. You’ll stay there for five minutes until you hear the buzzer.”
2. The “Warm-Up.” We made a fun game of practicing. I’d tell them to pretend argue (which was a hoot), then I’d say, “Run to your time-out spots! You have ten seconds!” They would SPRINT to their spots.
3. The “Spots” – I assigned the boys each their own comfortable chair in separate rooms. Often, their arguing is from boredom, fatigue, or over-stimulation (which they don’t know how to articulate) so I wanted to make these spots relaxing. I told them to go collect a blanket, a stuffed animal, and five library books for their chairs.
4. The Implementation. When they started just being annoying, I did not yell. (Hear that!? I didn’t yell!) I simply called, “Boys, to your time-out spots. You have ten seconds. Ten, nine, eight…” They actually RAN there. It was a fun race, and also I think they were relieved to just have a minute alone. The rainy, inside days (where there can tend to be yelling from everyone) can be draining on kids, too!

One of my “trigger points” for yelling is my children fighting. I feel like that might be an international trigger point, actually. 🙂 Personally, I often find myself yelling because I don’t have a better plan. Planning ahead for the moments that I know my children will stress me out can make such a difference in how I react.

I know this is just a small tip, but that, after all, is what progress is all about. Making little strides, trying different tools, and not giving up.

What are your “trigger points” for yelling? Do you have a plan to respond to your children’s fighting?

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