a note from Jessica: This is a guest post from my cousin (and oldest and dearest friend) Sheila Carlberg. Since we were little ones, Sheila has been daring greatly and doing great things. I am so grateful for her honesty and her courage in sharing her adoption story.
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This Sunday, I walked into church feeling broken. Again. It’s the way I feel most days lately, and I can’t seem to shake it.
Three years ago we adopted a beautiful little girl into our home and since that day – August 15, 2013 – I’ve felt a little “off my game.”
Our daughter’s adoption, like most these days, was difficult. The adoption agency we were using shut down in the middle of our adoption. The country closed to international adoptions right before we were scheduled to go to court. The Embassy was refusing to issue VISAS to families and so on. She was from a remote village in the very northwestern part of Ghana and somehow – despite all odds, a judge who had never before ruled on an adoption case in a province that had never before placed a child for international adoption, granted ours.
Clearly, this is the hand of God working here. HURRAH – the battle is over! She is home! We (God) did it!
And yet somewhere between me missing my flight home at the airport and the hugs and signs and tears as we greeted the rest of my family – I felt lost.
What had I done? What did I know about parenting an adopted child? She looked sick. She had a fever, positive TB test and a horrible ear infection among other things. That first week she was very weak and clingy. I freaked out about a variety of medical concerns.
While our daughter has grown in so many ways, I struggle to see past her struggles. I don’t really know what to play with her or how to talk to her. Parenting her isn’t nearly as romantic as I had envisioned. Sometimes it feels like we are a mother-daughter pair of polar opposites that wound up in the wrong family together.
Despite my sincere love and compassion for ‘orphans’ and the vulnerable as a whole, I find myself desperately struggling to love the one living under my roof on a daily basis.
This is a very lonely, painful, shameful struggle. It’s hard to talk about but also hard to hide. There are no therapy groups I have found that begin – “My name is Sheila. I am a horrible mom.”
So there I am, sitting in the front row of my church watching my husband play worship on Sunday. As usual I feel unqualified to stand up there and sing. The music is great but I feel empty.
The pastor begins a story about Rahab and the spies. Rahab was a prostitute in Joshua who provided safety for two Israelite spies in Jericho. I’ve heard the story dozens of times. Cool – red cord, she and her family were spared… Israelites win.
But then it hit me.
God used Rahab the prostitute to do His good work.
Rahab the filthy. Rahab the whore. Rahab the outcast. The Bible is filled with countless stories like that. Paul the Apostle- murderer of Christians, Samson-womanizer, Noah-drunk, Jacob – cheater, Zacchaeus – money-hungry thief and so on.
My cousin and the author of this blog asked me to write an article on adoption. Well, for a year I’ve been thinking about my topic and stalling. I couldn’t really write the truth:
- “Adoption is hard. Help!”
- “Adoption: when you don’t feel it right away”
- “Don’t adopt until you and Jesus are tight. Really tight!”
Well, I have my story now. My adoption story is this:
God can use imperfect people for His mission.
My dear husband and I set out with good intentions, ready to love and welcome a little child into our home. Unfortunately, it has been harder than I expected to execute that mission of love. But here we are, living out God’s mission for our family day in and day out and failing a lot. Right now I feel a lot more like Rahab than anyone else in the Bible. I’m broken and selfish and struggling. The helpless face in this adoption story in my own. I am the weak one. Despite my daughter’s struggles, she is amazing. Happy, resilient, kind and full of something I struggle to access – LOVE.
But there is hope.
Rahab leaves her life of prostitution, saves her family and joins the Israelites after the battle is won. I’m still fighting my battle but I do know one thing: I am the right soldier for this fight. God placed my daughter in my family to love for a reason. He’s changing and challenging me on a daily basis, even on those days I feel most broken and unqualified. Her adoption has not been easy and has not been what I envisioned, but I believe it is EXACTLY what my comfortable little soul needed.
God is using and stretching imperfect me for His mission.
If you are considering adoption, here are four things to keep in mind.
- The process of adopting can take a serious emotional toll on parents. I knew it would be hard but just didn’t really know how emotionally drained we would be before we even had begun the hard work of bringing her into our home. Domestic/International/Foster regardless of the path – be ready to get your emotional butt kicked.
- Attachment comes slowly and often isn’t natural. THAT IS OKAY. If you have adopted and find yourself feeling lost without all those “great feelings” that are supposed to come with parenting – take heart, you are not alone. God can use you, too, in all of your imperfections.
- Children love far easier than adults. My oldest son Lincoln is so precious with our daughter. Where I often feel frustrated, he is patient and kind with her, teaching her things, helping her, etc. I am so grateful for their sibling bond and know without doubt that God has built a lifelong bond between them.
- And most of all, remember God is about transforming lives through His good work in us. When you set out on an adoption journey be ready – it maybe your own life that He transforms and “saves” right along with your child as you lean on Him.
Anna’s adoption is not a redemption story of a Christian, American family who swoops into a Ghanaian village and “rescues” an orphan child.
How ridiculous.
The real redemption story in my daughter’s adoption is how God is redeeming me through this process from the selfish, faithless, easily angered and lacking in-compassion woman that I was into someone that is still those things, but hopefully, each day, a little less of them.
A redemption story. Backwards.
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One more final thought for the rest of you. If you know someone who has adopted, take a moment to compliment them, bring them dinner or pray for their family. We can all get by with a little help from our friends.
Bio: Sheila Carlberg is a graduate of Grove City College, a published author, and wife, and a mother of two boys and one daughter.
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What a great post – thanks for encouraging Sheila to share, Jessica!
And Sheila… very well-written. I love your honesty – very powerful. And helpful for all moms – whether by birth, foster, or adoption – to consider motherhood as a redemption story, backwards.
So encouraged to read this… thank you for sharing!!!!
This is a beautiful post, thank you! We’re waiting for the referral on our international adoption and just last week we decided to turn down a child that our agency suggested from the waiting list. I felt horrible and helpless and like a failure (I seriously just posted about this on my blog today, weird). But through the process I’m reminded of just what you said—we’re weak and messed up and God uses us. There’s a much bigger story going on than what we usually see.
Oh, thank you so much for writing this. As we just had the worst night we’ve had so far with our new foster (soon to be adopted) son. We actually had a placement of two brothers first, and it was so hard and bad we gave them up. They are now in an amazing, godly home, and I know this was God’s plan for them all along. And now with our forever son, it’s not only the basic hard stuff of being a foster/adoptive mom, but I can’t help but let his behaviors remind me of my previous sons’ (who violently attacked me when mad – they are 7 and 8). Sometimes I feel guilty for even having a second chance to adopt since “we” so totally messed up the first time (again, we KNOW God’s will has played out for them, but humanly we feel we ruined their lives). I have never read about anyone else caring so passionately for orphans in general, yet having a hard time loving the one they’ve been given to care for. I didn’t know anyone else shared the feeling. I can’t tell you what an encouragement it’s been to read this!
This piece touched me deeply and left me teary eyed. Although I have no experience with adoption I do have four children. I feel a lot of the struggle applies to all mothers. Thank you for helping me not beat myself up so bad for my many imperfections.
Thanks Sheila! Your transparency is truly commendable and beautiful. I love all the comments. Becoming a parent, by adoption, birth, or through fostering, must be one of God’s best tools He uses to reveal the truth of our own hearts! And to think, if we agree with Him about the junk (sin) deep within, request forgiveness, and trust in His many promises to be, what we do not have (love), He does. What a great, dual, redemptive work He’s does for precious us & precious them!
Thank you for your honesty! And even with birth children, God uses them to redeem us, to sanctify us to be like His Son. It’s humbling, isn’t it?
Such a great post! Thank you so much for your transparency…it is such a hard thing to live through and none of the trainings, stories, or meetings can prepare us for what it really feels like to live this out. I wrote a short book about attachment issues in adoptive families, with a similar title to your post 🙂 and it’s available on amazon, but also as a free pdf here: http://copperlightwood.com/upside-down Hope it blesses your readers…thanks so much for writing this.
I was suggested this blog through my cousin. I am
no longer sure whether or not this post is written by him as nobody
else understand such unique about my difficulty.
You’re wonderful! Thanks!
You wrote the words that are in my heart. I too am Rahab. Struggling with an adopted son home almost 4 years now, home at age 5 1/2. Will read and re-read your post and Rahabs story. Xoxo
This was exactly what I needed to read. We brought home our adopted son 6 months ago and it has been such a tough time. He’s incredible and a toddler- and its totally ME that keeps failing. I am constantly down on myself because of it. Your post helped validate my feelings and encourage me. I felt like I could have written it!
Thank you for sharing the “ugly” truths. You are very Brave! I experienced the same things with my own birth daughter. When I had her I was in an abusive marriage. I got Post Partum Depression. She was colicky. My husband left for bootcamp when she was only 2 weeks old, and I was utterly alone in a tiny studio apartment.
I did not bond with my daughter for the first 3 months of her life. And then it was always strained between us. I felt just like you felt. But I was DETERMINED to find a way.
It took 15 years, five of that in counseling. She even lived with her grandparents for a time.
What changed things is 1. I never ever gave up trying to be a better mom. And 2. I discovered in counseling that I was suppressing some serious childhood abuse of my own. I had to go through the grueling process of working through all of it.
God put the right counselor in my path, who saved me from my self.
Also, during this time I was in a severe court battle with my now Ex husband. When she saw how I fought for her, what terrible things I was willing to suffer for her, it changed her toward me.
Now she is 16yrs, lovely and smart. And we have the mother – daughter relationship I have been praying for all her life.
Never give up trying, never give up hope. Be brave enough to look at yourself and do the hard thing. She is worth it.
the vulnerability you shared in this post is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you for writing this! I know its been a year but hunby and i are in the thick of a domestic adoption. We can not wait but the same fears that you spoke of is ll too true.
Thank you so much for writing this! God knows exactly what and when you need to hear something. My husband and I are in the adoption process through foster care and let me tell you – it has emotionally kicked my butt! But the whole redemption piece you speak of is so true! Thank you for sharing your story.
My adoption is coming up and I would lover to chat with someone about the crazyness of it all if you steer willing to.
Outstanding and courageous post! Thank you so much for sharing the truth of your journey. It is an encouragement to those of us on similar roads.