Have you read my books?
ps. If you haven’t read my parenting books, check them out. I think they’re funny and great but don’t take my word for it; read the reviews. Memory-Making Mom: Building Traditions That Breathe Life Into Your Home and Let Them Be Kids: Adventure, Innocence, Boredom, and Other Gifts Kids Need.
Recently at a baby shower, I was chatting with a friend – a young, cute, professional, recently married. Most notably – NO KIDS YET. 🙂
It was a pleasant talk. But I kept fighting this urge. I just wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shout it – ENJOY THIS STAGE, GIRL!! You go to Starbucks everyday, to work?? You go to the gym?? BY YOURSELF??? Do you REALIZE all the FREE TIME you have?? Don’t make my mistakes. Have more adventures. Go out to eat. ENJOY IT!!!!
Because that’s what I wish someone had told me. I wish I’d done it differently! I wish I’d enjoyed it more!!
But that made me think…Here I am now, in a new stage. What am I doing now that I’ll look back and regret??
What would moms PAST MY STAGE say to me?
What would they fight the urge to shake me by the shoulders – Don’t you get it? This is it! Don’t make my mistakes!
And so, I asked them.
I found 20 women. Older than me, done raising little ones. Some are moving microwaves into dorm rooms, some playing patty-cake with grandkids. These woman are my friends, my relatives, my mentors. They come from all walks of life, all numbers of children – but one thing in common.
They are wise.
I am so grateful for their honesty, their humility, and most of all, their wisdom. I asked them two simple questions. And here are their answers.
What do you wish you’d done differently?
One thing I wish I would have done better? Don’t do things with or for your kids just because you feel pressure from them, your friends, the church or the school. If it doesn’t fit your budget, your lifestyle or your priorities, have the confidence to walk away and say no. ~T.
I know it seems silly, but I often regret not doing more with music with my children…piano, singing, having more instruments around… ~R.
What I wish I would tell my younger self, when I was dealing with my oldest when he was 3-4 or so : “Hi me, I’m you from the future. The kids are GREAT! Not perfect! But loud, funny, sensitive, kind, loyal people that love the Lord, and who you would want for friends, even if they weren’t ours. So, take a breath. You don’t have to settle every detail…it gets EASIER the more you have! So lighten up, quit worrying, and go put on some music and dance. I can tell you that’s a great thing. You have the important thing – that you KNOW it’s about relationship. Go with that, you won’t be sorry. ~ L.
I wish I had been more consistent in my discipline. I wish I had not raised my voice so often. ~E.
Honestly? I wish I had MADE them do more of the practical chores. The dishes, the laundry, stuff like that. They were so busy, I just felt bad making them…but I wish I had! ~L.
What I wish I’d done? I guess it boils down to don’t say no as often. A wise woman of God told me don’t say “no” to boys unless it’s morally wrong, or physically harmful. And one of (my boys’) fondest childhood memories is peeing out of a second story barn door at her house for a sleepover. The theorem stands. ~L.
Be brave (or crazy) and take them out for more “field trips.” My boys were only 14 months apart, so taking them out by myself when they were small seemed rather daunting. Packing their necessities and controlling their behavior…too overwhelming, so most of our time was spent having fun…at home. However, now I feel like I might have missed out on some incredible adventures. ~C.
One thing I would do differently is that I would Do More! I would go for more walks and visit more places and catch fireflies! But truthfully? I just ran out of energy most days! ~C.
I wish I could tell my younger self to keep a running list of my blessings. ~C.
I wish had been more organized. Keeping a clean home, having meals planned, and having some ideas about how to run my home do make for a happier, less stressful home life. It took several years and babies to come to my senses and seek out information to help me enjoy my role…Fact is, I am still learning these skills. It is a good thing that one is never to old to learn new skills. ~J.
I wish I would have been more diligent praying for my children. It’s exhausting raising children and easy to forget to take the time to talk with our Father. ~M.
I’d be thankful to God every day. And along with that I would tell my younger self to remember who your Father is. You are a child of The King, and you need no other accolades. Don’t waste time trying to win the world’s approval. In the end it doesn’t matter. ~C.
What are you glad you did, raising little ones?
Definitely I’m glad I didn’t work outside of the home. And I’m glad I didn’t have TV when my kids were very little!
I’m so glad I didn’t have computers and phones to distract me. I actually got to live in the moment. I am so so thankful for that. ~C.
I am VERY glad I home schooled even if it was just for the first years. ~R.
Anytime we went on vacation, I made them personalized little travel boxes with special surprises. Not super-expensive, but unique to them. They still talk about them. And you know? I don’t regret a single vacation we took. We were not wealthy, but it was so worth every single trip! ~L.
I’m also glad I would randomly put on music and dance with them! Which then would evolve into games hide and seek, etc. Laughing and playing – the BEST for relationships!!! ~L.
So VERY glad I read to all my children, and then taught them all to read. What a gift to open the world of books to them! ~J.
We looked for God in everything. In sports, in history, in music, in travel, in our relationships with one another. Some people call it a worldview. To me it was always being aware that we are baptized sinners. ~J.
I chose a verse and prayed it for them everyday as they grew up, and now with their spouses and children added to the list. ~C.
One thing I’m glad I did was to stay home when they were small. The salary of two Christian school teachers is not great, so for one to stay home would be a major financial sacrifice…but we wouldn’t trade it for the world. ~C.
One thing I am glad I did….Realize that you are going to have to put your agenda on hold. You may no longer be able to go out with friends, have the latest fashions, sit and read a book, get a good night’s sleep or, for that matter, countless other things that are good, worthwhile and important to you. Your life is not your own. That’s ok. Invest now. Much of what is done in your 30’s and 40’s comes full circle in your 50’s and 60’s. A life lived well as a young parent will give you a far better chance of living a peaceful, joyful and happy life as an empty nester. That’s the time of life when you can sit back and be a little more concerned with your agenda. Remember there’s a whole lot of life to live after your children move out. ~T.
a note from jessica
Sweet mamas, I don’t know where you are – emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially — as you read this today. I know that for me, one of my deepest longings is to pass on my faith to my children. I wrote this e-book for the specific purpose. It is yours, for free, for signing up. You’ll also receive email access to me and I welcome your thoughts and questions!
xoxo,
Jessica
Have you read my books?
ps. If you haven’t read my parenting books, check them out. I think they’re funny and great but don’t take my word for it; read the reviews. Memory-Making Mom: Building Traditions That Breathe Life Into Your Home and Let Them Be Kids: Adventure, Innocence, Boredom, and Other Gifts Kids Need.
~~~
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This blessed me so much!!!
I never get tired of hearing from the mamas who’ve gone before us. Thanks for compiling and sharing all of this wisdom and encouragement, Jessica!
This is amazing and timely for a mother of three ages 9,7and4. Thanks.
Thank you for putting in the work to gather these! They were a blessing to read 🙂
I needed to read this today! Thank you so much 🙂
What an excellent and inspiring post – full of wisdom and encouragement. Thank you!
I really have been praying to God for guidance, and wisdom, and strength in raising our now 3 yr old. After growing up in 2 different households from what we desire for our family, its so hard to try to effectively live a life we feel has that balance. I really believe just taking the time to enjoy these years, being consistent with discipline, but at the same time not always being quick to say no, and dancing a little are all things we need to incorporate after reading your post. Thanks for this it has really opened my eyes.
Thanks for this great idea of yours to let us know from more experienced mums what might be more worth prioritising when raising our kids. I’m a very busy mum of 2 kids. One is 11 ( a boy) and the other one is 2,5y.o (a girl). I have learned more from the first one, but I continue to feel I’m still doing some things wrong or that I should just cherish some moments for the sake of future memories =). Thank you a lot again.
Hugs from Chile,
Love all the advice! Especially the last one about living life well when your children are young!
I remember hearing “pick your battles.” I didnt know how to do that – I thought I was being consistent by not letting things slide a bit. I wish I would’ve given them a little slack.
I am now a grandma of 5 from three children of my own. If I could go back I would work much harder at discovering who my children were created to be and focus on their gifts by sharpening them as opposed to conforming them into who I wanted them to be and working on them being well rounded people knowing just a little of everything and squelching their passion of life to the full by expecting them to be great at everything. Focus on their individuality and uniqueness and applaud and encourage them with it.
Sara, I really like what you have said. I agree. Parenting is so difficult because one does not know the end result of what they’ve done until it is all over! God is so gracious though. I believe HE is restoring to my children what I may have unknowingly stoled from them. I feel as though I “burdened” my children with too many rules and not enough freedom, but they (all five) are happy, successful adults with children of their own. They are HIS.
You said you felt that you burdened your children with too man rules and not enough freedom!? What do you mean not enough freedom b/c that’s what their father and I tend to do sometimes.
If you have not yet, tell your kids these things. My Mom didn’t take the time to get to know me and had more rules then were needed. She believed she was doing the right thing but I would give anything to hear her say she wished she got to know the person God gave her, instead of making me into the kid she wanted. It doesn’t change the past to acknowledge mistakes but it can heal the scars.
Its interesting in how varied the comments are. The one about being more clean and organized is funny because its one of my mom’s regrets – our house was always perfect. She regrets cleaning/organizing/cooking more than she played with us – so I’m not necessarily doing the opposite, but I wait until the kids are in bed to do the dishes and some days they sit in the sink until the next day. I’m choosing to not stress about that. In twenty years I can’t imagine regretting not doing those dishes. Two comments from moms that they are glad they stayed home instead of working – to those women I would say, I’m glad you had a choice. I don’t have a choice, I have to work. My husband stays home and is building his own business. But even if I had the choice, I’d still work. My boys will grow up knowing that women in the workforce, having Master’s degrees and being business executives is totally normal. There are plenty of days when I wish I could stay home with my kids instead of working, but in the long run I know this will benefit them as well as our relationship.
You do have a choice to stay at home. You just don’t have any faith that everything will be alright. Also having a Master’s doesn’t make anybody anything since we are all still human. Sounds like you feel guilty and want the glorification.
Wow Stacey everything was so positive until I read your comment. Who are any of us to judge another? After all, we are just human. A Masters is something to be very proud of earning. Do you personally know this woman or her walk with the Lord to judge her faith? Everyone is unique & find different accomplishments satisfying. Im a Mother of 3 that didn’t enjoy staying home GASP. I felt very isolated & needed adult interaction too. I enjoy working outside of the home & seeing my children after school. It works great for us.
Everything will be alright? Who will pay the bills?? Clueless.
Thank you so much for this. Would have loved this 10 years ago. Especially number one, it spoke to my situation that has now turned into one of my grown kids not talking to me, because I gave in, a lot.
Thanks for this. I have been feeling sad about how my house is with the electronics and I think we are going to have at least two NO electronic days from now on so we can spend time together. My tip to any new parent would be to always make time to eat at the dinner table together and share how your day has been.
I wish I had just understood my children better. I’m a childhood educator and yet I still didn’t “get” my own kids sometimes. I needed to spend less time worrying about other people and things and spend more time with THEM. As a busy pastor’s wife, it was hard, but I wish I’d done it more. I was insecure and seeking for approval myself rather than realizing my kids needed it even more.
My son is now 22 and there are so many things I wish I had done differently, even though overall he is a good kid.
I wish I had spent more time talking to my son, playing board games or just going for walks together instead of watching television or a movie.. I am lucky now if my see my son for 20 minutes a week and even then, he wants to watch part of television show instead of talk.
I wish I had made him take on more household chores and even though I had to fight him just to complete the one he had, which was to take the trash out. I waited until he went to bed as I wanted the precious few hours I did get to spend him to be peaceful.
I wish I taught him how to cook instead of cook for him or hit a fast food drive-in because it was easier at the time.
I wish I had taught him there won’t always be more and to treasure what he has and not take it for granted.
I tried to teach him not to face material things, but at a certain age you lose your child to the world around them and you can only hope they return to the values you tried to instill in them.
I think at 22 he is still working out his priorities/beliefs. Donow what you can, pray for him, welcome him with open arms and heart when you DO see him, still listen to what he has to share. So much parenting left in life- it’s just a new season. Be encouraged you can still invest. 🙂
Great words of wisdom!
What I would do differently: It took me awhile to realize the need for deliberately choosing my activities based on what’s right for me and my family, instead of doing things to meet others’ expectations.
What I’m glad I did: I’m thankful I’ve been able to stay home with my kids and work remotely, and I still drop off/pick them up from school every day. Sometimes the best conversations emerge during that 1-on-1 time.
I have two grown/married children and one still at home. Truthfully, there are things that I could have done better, but I don’t have any serious regrets with them. Sure, the house could have been cleaner, we could have been less/more busy, could have traveled more, could have blah, blah, blah. But, I loved them the best way I knew during each season and had a heart to see them honor God with whatever they chose to do with their lives. I loved the discussions at supper each night, loved the kidding around, loved the coffee in the mornings and afternoons when we’d talk, the pointing them to Jesus whenever a circumstance demanded insight. And now, I love the texts, the Facebook posts, the phone calls and visits…..and the time with the one we have still at home.
I wish I could have just relaxed and enjoyed every moment with my kids. I felt like I was treading water & barely keeping my head above water…and in survival mode and didn’t get to just enjoy my littles. But that’s the blessing of being a Grandma, I just enjoy & love my Grandbabies and don’t feel the huge pressure I did as a Mama…
I’m in both places. 🙂 We have 2 adult children and then 3 younger (10 year gap-God’s miracles) ages 10, 9, and 7. I agree with so much of this. We learned from our mistakes and have adjusted our parenting accordingly. (We still make lots of mistakes!) We even go to our adult children for advice sometimes. What a blessing! I want to stress the relationship. That’s one thing we did right with our adult children. We had (and still have) a very close relationship. If you have that you can get through anything! Also, LAUGHTER. Don’t take life so seriously. Have fun, and laugh with your kids, even (and especially) when they are getting under your skin, turn it around into something hilarious and start a tickle war and just laugh. Our adult children speak often of these times.
Such a beautiful article. And so filled with practical thoughts. Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves as moms, wishing that somehow we had been more perfect mothers. Instead this article has more down to earth and not so heavy on the “guilt” pointers.
This article really blessed me tonight! I have 3 kids, a newly one year-old, a 3 year-old, and an almost 5-er. Love them to pieces and days do get long, but I feel like God is really teaching me to take my grandmother’s advice to “live one day at a time” which has helped me to really enjoy this “little kid” stage. It’s beautiful!
I absolutely love this. With a three year old and a three month old, sometimes it seems like I’m not getting it right. But the things I regret today seem tiny to the things I might regret in 20 years when they are grown and gone.
I had depression and wish I’d gone for treatment sooner. The few years of depression and exhaustion kept me from enjoying the years before they went to school. What I’d give for just one day to go back and love, hold, and enjoy those beautiful little boys.
Loved this!!
Like ~T I wish i would’nt of giving in so easily in giving them everything they wanted..but like so many parents we want to give them more then what we had and better even if it was out of out price range..I learned with 2nd and 3rd child..but to late lol make them work for it ..
Hi there
I feel so touched by these comments. Especially from Sandra. I wish i didnt give my eldest son every best toy he wanted. He got everything he wanted he didnt earn it. Being a single parent i thought it was best for him and this is my biggest regret.
Also my twins are now 22. I feel as if theyve grown so quickly. Now that they would like to spend time with their girl/boyfriend. My whole life has circulated around my children. But i still feel i havent played enough with them as I worked throughout my entire life.
I should have let my children fail! I was up typing reports, finishing last minute projects, helping them study at the last minute, paying tickets, etc…..we gave them everything and didn’t make them earn it……those are my regrets….
Very good advice, Sherry!
I wonder if this was just a coincidence or what? This was Touching to me.
just a small comment, I found this really hard to read because each line was either, BOLD, or Italic, or small or big….. kinda annoying. Point form would’ve done the job fine. – great list.
I work with the MOB Society, and saw that we shared one of your posts. I love your blog and just wanted to encourage you to keep sharing what you are learning! You are doing a great job!!
Blessings!
Oh, Gina, thank you so much! What a sweet comment!
I needed to read this. Thank you for such a real post. Advice from others who have already been there is the best advice to receive!
I truly enjoyed reading this it was very knowledgeable, it made me think and it forced me to show gratitude. We are all dealt a different life but somehow as mothers can all relate. Thank you.
Hi there. How can i get a hold of your summer survival guide? I tried subscribing but it says the link is no longer active
This is good stuff, Jessica. I have grown children, and I now work with two-year-olds. My advice is to relax, enjoy the ride, and have lots of fun with them. Also teach them respect, for parents, for siblings, and people around them.
Oh my goodness – thank you for this. The days with me little ones are going by entirely too quickly. It’s always nice to hear from moms of grown kids about their experiences.
This was a good read! It is so helpful to hear the value of living in the moment!
This reminds me of a poem I read once on the back of a box of tea. It made me wonder, and shared with the moms that were still, like me, raising kids. Here it goes:
If I had my child to raise over again:
I’d build self-esteem first and the house later
I’d finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting
I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites
I’d stop playing serious and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars
I’d do more hugging and less tugging
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more
I’d model less about the love of power
And more about the power of love.”
by Diane Loomans
But say no to girls?
I love this so much!
I LOVE the point about not saying no! “A wise woman of God told me don’t say “no” unless it’s morally wrong, or physically harmful.”
That might be the most peaceful parenting advice I’ve ever heard! I love it!
As an “in the trenches” Mom, thank you so much for this article. It’s helpful and inspiring. It’s always important to remember that pregnancy/having little kids is just a season, and a beautiful one, at that (even when it’s messy and crazy and infuriating).
It’s been a very bumpy ride with my oldest these days to were I think I might just loose it sometimes, I just cant get through to him at all then he loves to just push that button! Little ones always crying and middle one getting more lipy, I had it and broke down in tears put them all to bed, I then passed out and woke up to your article/read and it really made me think that thinks may need to change(some how) for the better. So thank you for somehow appearing on my phone!
Thank you for helping to enjoy the little things! Life as a mom has its struggles and this has reminded me to enjoy each moment and make the best out of it! I know I will look back and wish they were little again! I am not perfect I YELL a lot (2 wild boys that don’t listen) but that is my biggest regret. I don’t want them to think of me like that! I myself don’t want to remember me like that! I try a little harder each day to be the best mom I could be, I try to keep my calm bc I don’t want them to model that when they are adults!! Take it all in and be fun and take adventures! Get in there mind for a little while they have so much to teach us!!!
Thank you Jessica this was one thing I really needed to read to remind me of many important things. Your efforts were well worth it and most inspiring.