To My Young Mom Friends – Your Marriage Could Be So Much More Than It Is

About a month after I gave birth to my firstborn, Todd and I – just us – LEFT HOME and drove an entire 1.7 MILES to a local restaurant.

At the risk of sounding incredibly insensitive, I liken our experience at this Pizza Parlor to the part in Corrie ten Boom’s memoir where she finally arrives at a cozy, friendly hospital after barely surviving a concentration camp.

Trust me – I have the highest regard for Corrie, and I mean no disrespect by this analogy. But truly, that moment, the one where the waitress looked at me and asked, “Would you like to hear our specials?” That moment embodied a heavenly pleasure unlike anything I had experienced at that point.

After four months of swaying, rocking, “shush-ing,” and carrying a newborn for approximately 22.5 hours out of every day, this dear woman was going to get me ANYTHING I WANTED?

And was I actually wearing makeup? I think I was. Todd and I looked at each other across the table, truly giddy. No one needed us. No one was crying. (Well, that we knew of.) Someone else was making our food.

It was like we were – gasp – Real Grown-Ups Again.

There’s nothing quite like that newborn-raising stage, for sure. But life is still very full. I’m a stay-at-home mom, raising three little ones, cooking, cleaning, teaching, refereeing, laundering…I don’t even know all the verbs for all the things I do all day, but I know that by the end of many of them, I am collapsed on the couch, grumpy and vegetable-like, and all I can think of, is GIVE. ME. A. BREAK.

SERIOUSLY I AM DONE. I HAVE HAD IT.

And my mind will drift jealously to Imaginary Worlds, in which I am whisked away to a spa for three nights, or to Cancun with my husband. I don’t have to say a single word to anyone. I get to sleep and sleep. Someone makes my food. And so on.

These moments – these dress-up date nights and lazy days at the spa – these are my Ultimate. I mean, I love my life, but these Retreats – now that is when All Is Right Again in the world.

Until a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have thought there was anything *wrong* with this way of thinking. We work hard. We deserve my breaks, and darn-it, I’m going to tally-mark the calendar until the next time Todd and I can GET. A. WAY.

And then something happened which changed my perspective.

Driving in the car, I started listening to a Christian radio program. The guests were Francis Chan and his wife, Lisa. My parents have recently loved two of their books, so I was intrigued.

My ears especially perked up when the host asked, “Francis, tell us about your 20-year anniversary trip you just took. I think the audience will be really interested in that.”

Francis proceeded to share their story. After 20 years of hard, gritty service – serving the poor, the prostitutes, the drug-addicts all hours of the day and night in their sketchy California neighborhood (with a steady stream of house guests, including a few fresh out of prison), they decided to celebrate by taking a trip…a mission trip to an East African village. To serve AIDS patients, prostitutes, and belly-bloated starving children.

The talk-show host asked Lisa the exact question I was thinking : “Lisa, I have to be honest. I imagine there are a lot of women out there thinking, if my husband asked me to go SERVE, in Africa on a mission trip, for our 20-year anniversary, I would laugh in his face! Lisa, didn’t part of you just want to get away, after all the work you’ve done? Didn’t you want to go be waited on in some island resort? What do you say to women who would think, I would never want to do this.”

An excellent question. Yes, Lisa. What would you say to (ahem) one of those women?

She paused, and cleared her throat a little. And then she said one sentence I haven’t forgotten.

“I think what I would say to those women, is I would ask them to think a little more deeply about the difference between joy and happiness.”

Sure, she explained, getaways are nice. But serving together, being the hands and feet of the Lord Jesus, seeing lives transformed, healed, brought out of slavery – this is really life-giving, in a way that those moments of rest and relaxation are not.

Guys, I’m going to be honest with you. When I first heard her words, I wanted to turn off the radio and pretend I had not. It was a little scary, honestly, and not all that fun to think about. I felt uncomfortable, disrupted.

But yet.

A teensy part of me got excited. Excited to do Things that Matter.

Excited to make a difference, with Todd by my side.

Excited to be see the Truth Setting People Free.

 

I feel hope for something different. I believe that I can have more of those days when I lay my head on my pillow and think : I worked hard today. Really, really hard. And I’m proud of what I did. It is a satisfaction deeper – yes – even better than digging your toes in the sand for a few days with no little ones bugging you for something.

Now, I’m not wishing away date nights (never!), and is there anything WRONG with an anniversary trip? Of course not!

But I in my soul of souls I know that truly, I want more. I have no idea how you do it, honestly. No clue how you turn into the kind of couple that the Francis and Lisa Chan are. This kind of holiness is a mystery to me. But I think a good first step for the rest of us, is to ask these sorts of questions.

• What do I want to accomplish on my short time here on earth?
• What would it look like for our marriage be more than the just Taking Turns Parenting, more than the perpetual “Okay, I’m done now. Now you take them, and I’ll get a break”?
• How do Todd and I enjoy serving together? Where do I feel like we could make a difference?
• Who needs us?
• What gets us really excited?
• Could I dare to leave my fears and needs in the Lord’s hands, and find the Adventure that He’s calling me to?

I watched this video, and it changed me. You, too?

I can promise you I’ll be reading the book they mention, You and Me Forever. I would love for you to join me. *Side note: if you’re a woman reading this, and you think, Yeah, there is no way my husband would be up for reading a sappy book about marriage called “You and Me Forever,” well, friend – I would challenge you to just ask. I am happily married to Mr. Manly Man who has all of one whole feeling which he displays every other year. And I am always pleasantly surprised that deep down, he DOES want to do weird marriage things like read books together. So you just never know. 🙂

 

Follow "Smartter" Each Day on Facebook!

Follow Jessica on Instagram!