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There was this moment. It was five years ago – an ordinary night. My husband and I were driving home little baby Sam in the carseat.
A beautiful, red-sunset summer evening. Windows open, country music, yellow cornfields breezing by.
I remember thinking it there by the field: “This is perfect. Everything is perfect right now in my life.”
And, it was true. For this one split second, life was perfect. No one was sick. Sam was healthy. No family conflict. Todd’s job was good. I wasn’t heavy with anxiety.
Life was, actually, perfect.
What I remember most is that I wasn’t comforted. In the pit of my stomach, I felt an uncomfortable twinge.
Sure, you’re doing fine now. But what happens when…?
Because I knew, of course, that something would go wrong, probably even before we laid our heads on pillows that night.
And spoiler alert: it did. Along with the flus and tantrums and nervous calculating how all the bills would get paid, there were other things. Sam’s terrifying food allergies. The sleepless nights monitoring asthma attacks. The miscarriages.
And each time, the joy leaves.
All I can think about is fixing/solving/enduring our problem.
It’s an exhausting cycle, waiting between crises to live.
Somehow over the course of the years, I’ve gotten sick of it. Something has changed in me. My prayers have changed, I guess.
Oh, I still pray for health, and sleep, and money to appear out of thin air on trees (or blogs, as it may be).
But also, I pray for me. I pray that instead of taking away the problem, God would help me live better with imperfection.
I pray that I would enjoy life, as it is.
It is the hardest, scariest, bravest, most exciting prayer. And the most beautiful thing is happening.
God is answering it.
It started this Christmas, when my sisters and brothers shared a quote for the year. I cannot remember any of them, except Jenny’s. I can’t get Jenny’s out of my head. Every day, twenty times, I hear it:
“This is your life. Enjoy every minute.”
And I think of my sister, and it means even more. Life isn’t always easy for Jenny. She has four young children (one of whom is usually sick), a husband who travels, chaos and company coming and going, a restricted diet. And, yet…
“This is your life. Enjoy every minute.”
Do you want to see a picture of my life?
Honestly, I see this beautiful picture, and tears spring to eyes as I realize how many precious days, how many hours have been wasted, sheer memories in the trash can, with my worry and preoccupation over random predominating problems, most of which I cannot even remember to this day.
You, too, right? You have something just as beautiful, if you could only silence the negative to enjoy it. I know you do.
And you probably want what I do.The desire to be free of it. I find myself praying with Paul: to learn the secret of being content. And Habakkuk:
17 Even though the fig tree does not blossom, and there are no grapes on the vines; even if the olive harvest fails, and the fields produce nothing edible; even if the flock is snatched from the sheepfold, and there is no herd in the stalls— 18 as for me, I will rejoice in the LORD. I will find my joy in the God who delivers me. {Habakkuk 3}
There is so much to enjoy in life, even though.
Can I share with you my “even though?” Today, I worry for my beautiful daughter, Ellie. Ellie is six months old, hungry and growing. A couple hours after we fed her avocado, she woke up crying, vomit-soaked bed, heaving and puking for thirty minutes until nothing else was left.
So we go slowly, and she has trouble with solids. We get a diagnosis, and wonder if it’s right. When her little tummy is rumbling and upset, all I can think about – ridiculous as it may sound – is whether she’ll be one of those kids with an ice cube for a birthday cake, or a pear with a candle in it…
Ridiculous as it seems, it would choke me over if I let it.
Today in the shower I talked to Satan. I do that sometimes, and it makes me feel like my old Lutheran Grammy and her beautiful hymn-singing faith.
I talked to Satan, and I told him to get out of our life. I told him I hated him for how he was stealing my joy in these days. I told him through soapy tears that no matter what happened, I could have joy.
I could have joy rocking her, crying.
I could have joy wiping the spit-up, again.
I could have joy getting up for the 15th time that night, because it’s just a precious season, being needed.
I can have joy, and he can never, ever take that from me.
It’s a joy revolution. In the showers, and in the midnight nurseries, and in the white hospital rooms and the lonely bedrooms of life, it’s a joy revolution. It’s joy, creeping in like morning through the windows.
So today I say it: Even though I am worried about Ellie, I will ask God to show me His joy. Because it’s there.
I phrase it carefully. Not, “I will have joy,” because I know me, and as soon as I shut the computer, I will find a thousand reasons to worry. But I will ask him to show me the joy that is there. We ask Him, and He does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. He shows us the joy.
Join with me. Declare it out loud.
Even though __________, I will ask God to show me His joy.
What is the “even though” that steals your joy today?
Share it, and speak it out loud. You can comment here, you can tell your husband, heck, even say it out to your dog or cat, but there is power in saying it.
I also am coming to realize the Absolute Power of putting words around your home. I love this post by Crystal and her line of Choosing Joy canvas and Choose Joy t-shirts.
I want this plastered around my home.
Whatever the circumstances – Choose Joy.
In what circumstances are you asking the Lord to show you the joy?
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Thank you Jess! I needed this as I am awake with my son for the third hour in the middle of the night with a crazy day tomorrow. I WILL FIND THE JOY HE HAS FOR ME! Thank you! I pray for your sweet girl. Thank you for your blog and your thoughts.
Please don’t send me the card, I am going to make one for my fridge, I don’t want you to go to any trouble! But I love that verse and I will stick it on there tomorrow. I never knew that verse existed in the Bible. How amazing that we have a God who promises us JOY (if we will accept it) among other things like, oh I don’t know, ETERNAL LIFE?? 🙂 Have a beautiful joyful day!
Wow Jess so good, even through the hard times we can find joy. God is using you to be an encouragement to SO MANY!
Right now my “even though” is pretty much constant weariness. I rarely get enough sleep and I have no time to nap except on weekends. I’ve never been one to dread getting up in the mornings, but lately it’s been hard to get out of bed cheerfully.
Even though I’m tired, I will ask God to show me His joy– because I KNOW it’s there!!
Thank you for this, Jess. <3
Right there with you Jaimie! Even 15 minute naps on weekends are a blessing. Wish we could get them every day.
Excellent Reminder!
My “even though” also involves an almost 6 month old daughter named Elli, who sleeps horribly and has gas issues and is teething so I have hardly slept since she was born. I struggle to find the energy to homeschool every day and deal with a very dramatic needy toddler and a son with health issues. Thank you for this message on joy, God was just speaking to me about it already this morning through a podcast, and I love it when he reaffirms it by speaking in several places. He really does see me and care about my problems, and wants me to live fully in His joy. Thanks fora safe place to share today!
Even though my husband’s un-house broken bachelor best friend who I’m not especially fond of is living on our couch until ?????, I *need* to find God’s joy. It has been a hard adjustment for me, and for our 20 month old, having someone living in our living room. Lord, with the joy, can you show me the way to patience and grace, as well? Thanks…
Even though I’m a single mom, I will ask God to show me His joy. I have so much support around me and even though my son is being clingy and grumpy these past few days I need to cherish this time where he does need me, like you said your daughter needs you. There are times I just want to sit and cry as I hold him and he cries when all the wants is me and I have so many things I need to do. I know God will show me the joy.
Even though my husband is disabled by, and sometimes incapacitated by, bipolar disorder, I will ask God to show me His joy.
Thank you for this. I need more positive inspiration like this and fewer negative thoughts like those swirling around inside of me sometimes.
Oh Jessica, you and I are in the same place! I’ve been saying that I will have joy, even though I’m doing breathing treatments all day on my 2 year old. And I DO have joy because God is answering that prayer, over and over again.
By the way, Andrew did something similar to your avocado story, but it was with a banana. He’s actually not allergic to them, despite that one reaction, though he’s allergic to a few other things. And he still cannot stand bananas!
I am just reading this today, Sept 5th, 2015. I just got home from church and jumped on pinterest to look and found you. I know with out a shadow of a doubt that God lead me to your blog because I have been struggling to keep my joy. Even though my marriage is stuggling, I will ask God to show me his joy each day. Thank you so much for your words and allowing God to use you to speak to me.
I happened upon your blog from a post you did on The Better Mom, and I’m sure glad I stopped to check it out. I am someone who worries a lot, my husband says it runs in my family and he is right. It’s been a long, stressful, and sometimes sad year and I struggle with changing. Oh I long to change and pray for God to change me Every Single Day, but have yet to see it. The Even Though’s in my life: Health and Safety for my two girls (my six yr old had spinal surgery a few months ago), struggling with becoming pregnant (miscarriage last fall and sadness every month I’m not pregnant), my husband coming to faith in Jesus, my being older then most moms around me and not really having many deep friendships (though I am closest to my sister and so thankful for that). But after reading your post I will pray and ask that the Lord show me His joy in all of this. I know He is working in me, my life, and circumstances, now I just need to believe it and find joy in the journey. Thank you for your encouraging post!
Wow. Thank you so much for this. I am choosing JOY!
Awesome!