I don’t have it yet, and it’s starting to bother me. You know, the thing that I do, that puts me on the map, makes me important, gives me the glory I’ve been waiting for all these years. I mean, sure, I won the science fair in sixth grade for that revolutionary work on magnets. I think I got the Literature award when I graduated high school. Once my letter to the editor was published in the Charlotte Observer. Yup. But as wonderful as those successes were, I dream big, people. It has to be big… A seminar that millions of people (yes, millions) tune in for, order on itunes, comment on facebook about, or order copies of for their needy friends. (Don’t ask me on what.) If not a seminar, a book. But not one published on a solid-color, home-bound, with 1970-ish font. No, no, no. A REAL book. With my picture, or an artsy looking one, with a catchy title below and separate shiny jacket to match. It’d be a big seller, somewhere. I’d settle for an honorable mention in World Magazine, or on some reputable underground Christian blogs or something. But big. You get the idea. Or maybe a project that I start. Again, don’t ask me what for. Just a project, that solves some big problem, with me leading everyone while I’m holding a clipboard talking into a microphone wearing some new classy yet unassuming outfit I’ve bought with royalties from something.
I go back and forth. Some days I give me a lot of credit for my ambition and dreams and high hopes, but others, I think my self-image is a little skewed. Maybe there’s a little less Laura Bush, Beth Moore, and Pioneer Woman in me and more, um, normal people I see pumping their gas or buying toilet paper or loading their three kids in the car while the dog tries to escape and someone drops a popsicle on the ground and tries to eat it still. Maybe I’m…normal.
I don’t mean to insult the Popsicle lady or buying toilet paper, but I do think I’d feel a crushing disappointment if my life is never more than that. Is my thinking wrong? I think so.
The other day I was reading a book that made me list out five people I respect. Wouldn’t you know it, Beth Moore didn’t make the list (there are other reasons, if you want to know them later.) But not even the wonderful Laura Bush. Nope. It’s normal people. The ones who’ve changed my diapers and made me macaroni and cheese too many times to count, and who don’t always wear new clothes and won’t ever have their name on a book or in a brochure or give an interview with Larry King. Not that I really understand what it means to be a hero like these people are, because I’m still very bad at it, but I do know this: the little guy who ate the noodles and corn I made for dinner has no idea of my failed dreams and how I’m not famous to anyone or that that book is not even conceived, nonetheless started. I don’t think he cares. He likes the way I read Me And My Mom in the morning and how I point out bulldozers and that I let him make the toaster go “pop.” And it’s enough to him. I want it to be enough for me, too.
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i want it to be enough for you too (and me). "there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into this world and we cannot take anything out of the world."you are the best mommy sam could possibly have!!
Thanks for opening your heart! I struggle with the same thing. Lately Chad and I have been reflecting on how the "invisible hand" of God leads so much of the world's "greatness." He has been sharing Truett Cathy's story with customers and it is a great example of how God set up events to raise up a godly business for HIS glory. You should read his biography!
jessica, this is such an insight into the world of mothering. i 100% agree with everything you wrote. i definitely have those days where i think, "what exactly did I do today?" i think it's hard raising babies when you feel like you could be doing so many other things….and doing them well. your post was a good reminder of how important this job really is.