Yes, I am that annoying Enneagram person. I will guess your number and act like I’ve won Jeopardy if I am right.
BUT SERIOUSLY. Isn’t it fascinating? The Ennegram has opened my eyes to the fact that maybe I think every lump is cancer, not because every lump is cancer, but because I am a six, and we can tend to invite fear into places it does not need to be.
The Enneagram has opened my eyes to my hubby. He loves harmony, which means he does not, incidentally, love those dig-into-our-issues conversations late at night. (#hellotype9)
And yes, the Enneagram has opened my eyes to my children.
I heard Suzanne Stabile, Enneagram coach, say that you should not type your children and you should not tell them what they are. I’m paraphrasing but that was the general idea. So that is some excellent advice and I think we can all understand the reasons behind that. They’re still young, and they’re still developing, and they need freedom to do so and not be typed into something.
I am also here to tell you that when I read the description of Type 1, my jaw dropped open. I thought immediately of one of my children, one whose actions have been perplexing and confounding at times.
It was like a light went on inside my head. I had seen things – anger and disappointment – and I didn’t know the why. I read the Type 1 and it hit me — they want so badly to get it right.
Here is what I did NOT do:
- Tell this child their type.
Here is what I did:
- Prayed that God would help me use this new knowledge to parent better.
- Ask more questions. (“Are you frustrated because you can’t do this?”)
- Use more affirmations. (“You are loved no matter what.” “You don’t have to be perfect.”)
The Enneagram, after all, is a tool. It is not Gospel truth, or the end-all be-all of parenting. But, maybe, just maybe, if you’re struggling a bit to understand a child, perhaps you are assuming they view themselves and life they way YOU do, and perhaps you need an openness to how their own little brains are ticking. Not that we will make them “be” something forever, but so that we can perhaps see something we’ve missed.
It’s been a theme. This year I wrote a book about families. About traditions in families. I have the ones you’d expect, like holidays and birthdays and faith and food. But as I approached Chapter 9, I began to feel like something was missing.
And so, Chapter 9 is about traditions that involve building relationships.
As parents, and especially as mamas, we can become laser focused on running all the things in the family. (And a good thing, too—that toilet paper isn’t going to buy itself.) We’ve got a show to run. We’ve got places to go, lists to check, memories to make. And then there’s the values and truth we want to impart. But we must consider: If the well-oiled machine of the family is running but its members don’t feel loved, then what good is it? Have we really accomplished anything without love? (from Memory-Making Mom)
Date nights. One-on-one games. Birthday dinners with just the birthday kid.
And perhaps most importantly, the act of seeing. Seeing that child not for what you thought he was or wanted him to be, but what the Lord has made him to be. About taking the time to connect and reaffirm each single child in your family.
If your family has been longing for more traditions and meaningful connections, may I humbly suggest my labor of love:
ps. suzanne wanted me to remind you again not to tell all your children their Enneagram numbers and lock them in boxes forever. mmkay? 🙂
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