I have a very vivid memory from a year ago. I was at my parent’s house. At the time I “had” some horrible disease. I can’t remember which one. Probably a cancer. Anyways.
I had been complaining to my mom relentlessly about my “obvious” symptoms of said disease, but to no avail. She refused to mourn my imminent death with me, and instead was clinging to rational, actual facts. Which as you can imagine, was incredibly annoying.
At one point, she left the room for a few minutes, and returned with her laptop, opened, for me to read. Finally, I thought. She agrees! She has researched my disease and she finally gets it!
I sat the computer down, and my eyes rested on the site: “Symptoms of Hypochondria.”
It was actually an earth-shattering moment.
For once, I was right… I really did have a disease.
You might think it’s unbelievable, but here are a list of diseases that I have actually thought I have had, in the last – we’ll say – three months (by no means exhaustive). It is hard for even me to read this list without at least a side smile.
- brain tumor
- nasal polyps
- diabetes
- ovarian cancer
- bladder cancer
- leukemia
- thyroid disorder
- stomach tumor
- severe calcium deficiency
- adrenal fatigue
- massive dental cavities
My husband can probably think of 4-5 more. You would think that the sheer repetition of such horrors would eventually talk the most fearful person into reason. You thought you were dying of something else yesterday, remember? And other rational arguments.
But, alas, the paranoid mind is not so easily convinced. Because just thinking you have a disease doesn’t eliminate your chances of getting it! If only it were so easy!
But no. To the poor hypochondriac arm cramps are heart attacks, headaches are tumors, moles are skin cancer…and the list goes on.
Now, look. Here is usually the point where I usually say why I’m “smartter,” and how I’m getting better, and how you can get better, too. (assuming there is another poor soul out there, suffering miserably from a yet-to-be-diagnosed-sickness…anyone? anyone?)
Well, guess what. I cannot tell you, kindred soul, how to stop wondering if you have lung cancer because when you breathe in there is this funny rasping noise, just at the last 1/2 second of inhale, only when you are standing up.
I cannot tell you how to rest assured your retina is not detaching, although if you blink three times quickly there is a thin pale haze around your corner vision.
I cannot tell you that, no, it’s not weird that your toe tingles if you move it up and down, like this.
Because you know what? Those things perplex & terrify me, as well. I have no answers.
But I do have a vision.
When I was teaching seventh grade, I read Corrie ten Boom’s “The Hiding Place” with my students. I am 100% positive that I learned way more than any of them from this amazing book.
The tiniest little sentences still stick with me. The briefest of images, passing comments, tiny little details from her life continue to enter my thoughts day by day. Which is amazing, really. I’m not sitting here doing literary analysis all day. I wash dishes, fold t-shirts, and chop onions. And a dead old woman from Holland keeps inspiring me.
Today I was reminded of Corrie’s mother. She was the opposite, complete, of a hypochondriac.
How do I know this? I’ve mentioned this before, but Corrie’s mom had a stroke as her children were near-grown. She retained the ability to smile, say three words, and scribble with a pencil.
And she would sit in the window of their home, looking out the window, “loving people.” She would remember their birthdays, and scrawl them a card. She would smile, and pray, and love people.
My worst horror was her reality, and she lived a better life than I. She could have wondered,”How could I possible make a difference?” No one would have blamed her. No one would have argued.
Yet here I am, seven decades later and three continents over, inspired through the roof by a mute, handicapped homemaker. She loved, she was happy, and my, how she made a difference.
I’m left with nothing but amazement, and wishes, and a little glimmer of hope that the Gospel did it and could do it here, too.
*This post is linked to Intentional Blogger’s Fellowship Friday
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Faith @ Artistic31Mama says
Such a BEAUTIFUL post. Thank you for sharing so openly. I struggled with hypochondria a few years ago. I actually remember vividly walking throughout our house crying to my husband because I was certain I had ovarian cancer. In my mind I had all the symptoms and all I could think about was how my baby was going to grow up without his Mommy. It was overwhelming. I went to my doctor after my second son was born sure I either had an aneurysm or a spinal headache from my epidural. I was able to overcome that struggle through God’s grace when I really did have something major happen….I had a blood clot in an arterial branch vessel in my left eye at the age of 22 while pregnant. I lost a quarter of my vision in that eye instantly. They drew countless tubes of blood, heart scans, MRIs, etc. I was waiting to go into the hematologists office and felt a strange sense of peace. I decided to give my worries to the Lord and trust that He had a plan for my life that was not meant to harm me, but heal and protect me. I decided there that there would be nothing wrong with me. I felt in my Spirit the Lord said to me “Go, your faith has healed you.” Sure enough the doctor not only told me the blood clot was a fluke but that I was in perfect health. I can still feel the worries and thought of hypochondria creeping up on me at times but I cast those thoughts aside and turn to the One I know I can trust with my future. 🙂 Praying for you to have complete healing, peace, and victory over this!
Jessica says
I think quite possibly we were twins separated at birth 🙂 Yep, right here. I am that other poor soul who does the very same thing….and drives my husband nuts in the process. I was hoping, though, you were going to offer a “cure” or a 3 step process to winning the battle of fear. But I am inspired to pick up my copy of The Hiding Place and look again at this woman who has inspired you.
However, if you do find a cure or help for the nasal polyps, let me know…..that I actually do have!
Maggie says
Beautiful, thank you!!!
paula says
This is a beautiful post. I love corrie ten boom’s books!!! 😉
I don’t think the internet helps much with hypochondria, I think I struggle with it a bit as well, I tend to assume the worst & worry about health issues so I’ve taught myself to stay away from google and not to look up symptoms online because EVERYTHING you type in the computer will some how lead to “death”. Even just “eye pain” or “a sore toe” somehow, the internet always tells me I’m dying, and then I cant help but worry! 😉 I’ve had much more peace since I’ve stopped letting myself use google. I just try to work through aches & pains & problems on my own, and if I can’t, then I go see a dr, not google. lol
Kit says
Glad you’re getting better! I know the horrors of suffering with this! But God cured me like He will with His other children 🙂
(https://kingintraining.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/how-jesus-cleared-my-hypochondria-depression-in-4-days