Dear reader:
I’m embarrassed it’s taken me this long to do this. To write a letter to you. The real people reading.
I’m picturing you reading this…the ones I know – college friends, blogging buddies, sisters, cousins, neighbors, my hubby. I picture the unfamiliar faces, too…your face is unknown, but I know you’re reading this in your kitchen, on your phone in bed, up late on the couch without kids…
This letter is to you, faithful readers. I have things to tell you. But this first part might sound weird.
See, this weekend, I got a revelation. Don’t go running, friend. I’m not crazy. Hear me out. Did you see where I went this weekend? Maybe you did….I met with 400 other Christian women bloggers in Greeneville, SC for Allume – “real light living” blog conference.
Y’all, I’m a different person today. Truly, I am. I know conferences don’t change people, but Jesus changes people. And He was there. I heard Him. I heard the words He’s been speaking to me for months.
I was still, and I heard. Turns out, there were lots of messages I’d been ignoring.
Turns out, when you take time to sit in a dark room (a weird “prayer room” you’d typically avoid, strangers mumbling things to themselves and to God) those once-quiet messages explode.
They’re so loud, and so beautiful, you’re saddened you’ve been silencing them for so long.
Ironic, but I went to build my blog, and came back ready to kill it.
It started one night, dark and crammed auditorium of awakened, ready women – the speaker nailed it on head. What do you need to confess? What burdens you?
And we had to tell a stranger. I was itching and sweaty and heart-pounding in shame, but it came out in a gush, relieved.
I want to be famous.
It may not sound like much to you, but it’s shame and sin to me. I know in my heart of hearts I want to be big, and noticed, and glorified, and…god. To be in charge and be praised. Now you see the blasphemy?
I asked God to forgive me, to free me, to show me the truth – that my life is a drop, and approval is a dry, insatiable wilderness – always thirsty, always lacking. That my audience is One, and (as someone said this weekend) that I won’t be met with “well said, good and faithful,” but (by the grace of God) “well done.”
And I feel like I need to confess it to you.
Friends, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that — even in the midst of touting my faith — I’ve counted my stats and numbers and followers pathetically. I’m sorry I crafted a Pinterest-y post about laundry or dishes when I should have told you about The Exodus Road and Compassion (but it just didn’t feel fun).
I’m sorry for being afraid to be funny, or real, because that’s not how “the big bloggers are.” I’m sorry that instead of trying to inspire you, I tried to impress you. I’m sorry that I often blogged about God, when I should have been praying.
I’m over it, and I’m going back to my roots. I started this as a worried little mama who wanted to share her thoughts. Well, I’m goin’ home. Here’s what’s happening.
- You’ll see less posting. My blog schedule isn’t my god. If I have something good to say, I’ll say it. If not, you won’t get emails that waste your time or mine.
- You’ll see more things I care about. Lord forgive me that I’ve been afraid to speak about trafficking, or poverty, or something boring or unpleasant, because I was afraid you’d leave, or not read it.
- You’ll see that I will not “sell out” my blog. Blogging can make money. But my goal isn’t money-making. If I find a product I love, that I use, that fits with my message, I’ll tell you about it with my affiliate link (which means I make a commission). But I promise you I will think long and hard about each and every option for income I see (and there are millions). I want to share opportunities with you, and not use you.
- I’m spending more time on my life, and less on my blog. I’ve always been firm on the blogging-motherhood line. I never write when my kids are awake. As a result, it’s the snippets of time in the evenings I’ve lost. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize that sharing a baked apples recipe is not more important than my husband. I’m shutting the computer a few nights a week, to do nothing, even (gasp) watch baseball with my beloved. I hate baseball. Also, I’m remaining firm on the no-technology Sundays. (It’s amazing, by the way.) I might even add Saturday.
- In short, I’m content with you. To the 197 of you who read every post, who, too, want to be better mothers, to make healthy dinners, to love Jesus with me – you are enough. Together, we are enough. Not just because it’s cute to say. But it’s true. Together, we can change our worlds, finding joy and purpose in the everyday corners of life. I am grateful to have you becoming “smartter” with me! Blessings, and thank you for reading!
Love,
Jessica
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Thanks Jessica, for helping me remember my life’s purpose
Is to serve Jesus.
Ahhh I was drawn to your blog because of the humor and warmth and haven’t been seeing that lately with all the how to posts and the Ive got it all figured it posts. I just love this! Thank you!! You are so real and your words mean so much to so many people. And the not having it all figured out is refreshing.. It’s what makes real people want to read more.
Keep writing please!!
Sarah, I keep thinking about your comment. Thanks for being honest about what you enjoy on “smartter” each day. I’m going to work on getting back to that! Thanks for commenting, and sticking around. 🙂
As a stay at home mom myself I’ve struggled with the need to be recognized. Thanks for the reminder, that in Jesus, I’m enough. And, that, time spent with Him is so valuable and essential. I recently heard a message from Andy Stanley that said, “The most significant thing that you do with your life may not be something that you do, but someone that you raise.” I know you weren’t specifically speaking of parenting but often times I’ve felt like my job as a wife and mom wasn’t worthy enough. Thanks for your genuineness and for sharing your heart. It’s refreshing and encouraging.
That quote is so true! Thank you for sharing, Heather!!!
I am bummed that I missed meeting you there! I saw your name on the OCC list when I was in there and then stealthily looked at people’s name tags when I probably should have been all “JESSICA I WANT TO HUG YOU!” in a non-creepy way. I TOTALLY feel you. It was an amazing weekend. Also, I want to do a link-up with all of us posting about some of the impact opportunities if you want to chat about how we could partner on something! I am wanting to do something with my blog and operation christmas child and with sole hope and with other bloggers who were touched by those stories this weekend <3
I wish we could have met, Kayla!! I would love to join your impact linkup! That’s a great idea. I’m definitely posting on OCC soon, and the wheels are turning about what else…? Thanks for commenting 🙂
I am SO, SO glad you got to go (um, thanks for buying my ticket so I DIDN’T HAVE TO WEAN MY TODDLER! 😉 😉 ) and that you learned a lot and felt refreshed and renewed!
Don’t beat yourself up too much. It is not bad to make money blogging. It is not bad to have a platform, but, yes, to do so just for fame is sin. And I am glad you saw that. Honestly? Fame scares me.
But I do want to say this: You CAN be real, transparent, funny, etc. and keep growing your site. And really? I think when you do that (and I’ve mostly already seen that in your posts!), you will attract the readers who want to stay. 🙂 I like reading your site because you remind me of me–we’re both quirky and imperfect (kind of rare in the blogging world, right?).
I do think there are some “big” bloggers (not saying I’m “there” yet or ever will be!) that are “real” in their posts. Those are the ones I respect the most.
Hang in there…and keep feeding those 197 at the table. You’re making a difference in this world. 🙂
Hi Erin, thanks for commenting! I should have fleshed that money part out more…I didn’t mean that I look down on others who make money. Someday I’d like to make some here, myself! I’m grateful that I haven’t struck it rich on my blog yet, because it would have totally just gone to my head. I have a stroke of greed in me that I am just now realizing exists. Kind of weird. I am humbled that you read and enjoy my blog. 🙂
Hi Jess,
This post reminded me why your friendship is so special to me. You listen to God and obey. What a cool conference! I’m looking forward to reading what you have to say in the future.
Miss you,
Jen S
You don’t get smartter each day without learning and growing and changing:) But I hope you write at least once a week – because I look forward to it! And if a squirrel or some other rodent gets loose in your house – you better document it again! That’s still one of the funniest posts ever.
I’m a new reader, but just wanted to let you know that this post touched my heart today. Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to be humbled before God.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, Deb. Your words are so kind.
Hey there! I was at Allume too. I am changed as well! That night of confession time opened up my heart to receive more, I believe it. I hate that sort of thing but I am soooo thankful for it! I was set free last weekend! Love your blog post and will definitely be checking in from time to time. God bless you!
Thanks for saying hi, Emily! Yes, Allume was so worth the trip. I’m already thinking of next year 🙂
I am so proud of you…of us… bowed low together. Lets grow before Him together. You are precious and beautiful. We won’t regret the journey….the Spirit is speaking and you are not alone. Wow. What God has done! What God is DOING!
I could have written this. Blessings.
That was an amazing weekend Sister, and I’m so touched to hear the lessons you’ve learned from it. You’ve got #198 here. I want to hear what you have to say, on whatever topic, whenever that may be. 🙂
Aw, Tiffany! Thanks so much for your kind words! It was a blessing meeting you. You are as great as you seem on your blog!
I get your emails but somehow I missed this post but clicked the link from the real week one and I have to say I was in tears by the end. I’m sure lack of sleep combined with early pregnancy hormones make me a bit more weepy but knowing that someone else struggles with this too makes me know that I’m not alone and I can make a change. All my life I’ve wanted to be the leader and show people the “right” way to do stuff but that is just me wanting to play god and that’s not right. Thank you foe your courage in being real and being an inspiration for me to do the same