Part 2: Down To the Bottom and Up Again: My Battle With Anxiety

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This isn’t an easy post for me to write.

I’m sure y’all think I’ve got it all together…creating my sensory bins, and cooking my organic chicken and such and such.

I prefer to keep it that way…But I can’t.

I have gone through a difficult period, and I want to share my story about my battle with anxiety, in the hopes that some other poor mama knows she’s not alone. (Because you’re not.)

In a nutshell, my anxiety finally got the best of me.

Come to think of it, that’s literally what happened. Anxiety took all the best of me – those gifts that make me perfectly Jessica, the moments I’ve been blessed with to enjoy – and stole them.

It started off innocently enough. Anxiety, I feel like, is the “Miss Congeniality of the sins.” I have liked to think so anyways; you know – amusing, endearing, productive, etc.

And I guess it can be those things…you know, when I’m scrubbing down the grocery cart with Lysol wipes, excitedly tracking the latest storm, things like that. Those are endearing, right? Oh, those are psycho too?? Well forget it then. 🙂

The thing is, though, worry is sin. It’s not a common cold in a world of cancer. It’s not a plastic squirt gun in an arsenal. It is the demon of sin itself, “and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

I never took my anxiety seriously.

And then it grew up.

I think I’m going to blame it on motherhood. You all will nod sympathetically… The lack of sleep. The crazy hormones. The truly terrifying reality that you love something so fragile.

It all became too much.

Even my health was affected.

At the height of my anxiety, I went to see my doctor. I came for sinusitis, fatigue, “jitteryness,” headaches, weight loss, and more. The very wise doctor gave me (instead of the panels and referals and screenings I expected) a prescription for generalized anxiety medicine. I hated it, I loathed it, I was so embarrassed by it. Yet I am very grateful.

As I’ve been recovering, it’s been therapeutic and freeing to think of myself as an alcoholic.

I need help, beyond myself. At first I read the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous a few times a day. I would take my deep breaths and soak in the truths and picture all the millions of drunks turned sober.

If they can change, then I can, too.

But all of this eventually helped. All I know is, I was down and now I am up. I feel really grateful for the things that have helped. (I share these in the next post.)

In the meantime, here are the practical applications of this part of the story (because I’m a teacher, that’s what we do at the end 🙂

• If you are someone who struggles with “recreational” worry, beware. If I could go back again, I would take my worry habits a lot more seriously, a lot earlier.
• Everyone has something. This is something my kind husband often reminded me of when I felt like the world’s biggest most secret failure. Everyone has something they deal with.
• This too shall pass. God is so gracious, that for those who struggle with much, much worse than I do -there is light, and hope, and laughter, and joy comes in the morning.

If you liked this, you may also enjoy:

Ectopic Pregnancy, My Story

Living With Hypochondria (Or Dying With it, One or the Other)

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