Because this story is long, I’m sharing it in several stages. This is Part IV.
I had never been under anesthesia before, so I had as much apprehension about that as anything else in the ordeal.
It wasn’t so bad. As she was wheeling me away, the nurse injected me with “happy juice,” despite my telling her twice that I was happy enough and I didn’t need any happy juice. (I wonder if I should be more bothered that she didn’t listen to me at all??)
It was a matter of seconds after reaching the operating room that I fell asleep.
When I woke up three hours later, it seemed like no time at all had passed. It was weird scanning my body to see all these incisions and IV ports and pinches and bruises, having no idea how I’d gotten the wounds.
I awoke to voices: the doctor and my husband. I just remember feeling so, so tired. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I wanted to lay there forever. I only got bits and pieces of what they said: “removed from your abdomen…” “got it all…” “check in a week.”
Because I’m a hypochondriac (literal, tried and true), I’d told the doctor beforehand about my latest random symptom of “bladder irritation.” I was also relieved that he’d apparently looked all around there, too, and everything looked fine. I still haven’t gotten the guts to ask what “looked all around there” means exactly, but I was just satisfied he didn’t seen any bulging tumors, as I had suspected this already-horrible story would end with.
It was not until I returned to the doctor for my follow-up appointment that I began to see how unusual, and weird, my situation was.
The doctor explained that I had a small, golf-ball-sized mass of tissue (which they tested and confirmed to be fetus) underneath my ovary, in my abdomen. He said it was extremely rare to have an ectopic pregnancy not in your tubes, but just free-floating in the stomach. I asked him how rare; how often had he seen it?
This doctor, 60-something and gray, had a weird look. I’ve actually never seen this before.
I asked him if he was a little bothered during the surgery, when he couldn’t find the fetus. Yeah, it was, actually. You’re thinking, where could this thing be?
If was disconcerting to hear. Of course I wanted science to answer what faith hadn’t for me (and wouldn’t?): Why did this happen? How??
He had no real answers. He could speculate various scenarios of how the egg, sperm, or embryo found its way back up the tubes, and out of the ovaries. But, eventually, it sounded like my guess was as good as his.
It was a weird, random, unexplainable fluke of nature.
Needless to say, it was unsettling. I want answers, and I want good ones, yesterday.
It’s only been a week since. Quite frankly, I don’t get it all.
I wish had stronger answers, and a more definitive why and what now. I don’t.
Here are a few things I’ve been thinking about.
- I still marvel that God provided my dear friend who had this exact same incredibly rare diagnosis. I feel so much less alone. I think it was so kind of God to provide that, as only He knows how comforting that would be for me.
- I think God is graciously trying to remove the facade I live with that I am in control. It is both completely terrifying, and incredibly freeing.
- It is those who suffer who are helpful. In the midst, I didn’t want to talk to my friends with easy lives and happy homes. I wanted those who had hurt, who felt pain, and anger, and fear, and come out still trusting. It was these weathered, velveteen souls who comforted me most. I get a little twinge of joy thinking I, maybe, will be that person for someone, and also wondering if these folks feel a small amount of redemption in their lives when they see God using them for good…
Thank you for reading, and every little kind word. It may be a while before I get to thanking everyone for everything. But nothing was wasted.
Jessica
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Jessie…thank you for sharing your story. I am so amazed by your ability to organize your thoughts and emotions into writing something like this. You are so wise and strong…I love you and am beyond thankful you are okay. Thank you for all of your encouragement!
Aw, thanks Morgan!! I love you!
Loved reading this…part IV is just as moving as the other sections. You definitely offer hope and light to others going through this kind of confusing, difficult loss. Heck, it’s been over a decade since I went through my series of miscarriages — each one different and worse (seeming) than the last — but reading your words brings such a sense of comfort. I do agree that we yearn to know we’re not alone. Your writing is a gift!
Praying blessings and healing prayers for you and Todd.
Thank you for your kind words, Ann. I didn’t realize we (unfortunately) had this in common. Thanks for sharing.
Jessica,
Thanks for sharing! I had an ectopic about 8 years ago. I had no idea I was pregnant. I was at work and thought I was sick and I just wanted to go home and go to bed. By God’s grace, a friend call an ambulance for me. By the time the ER figured out what was wrong, I almost died. My tube had ruptured and I had lost tons of blood. I lost a tube and had to have a major blood transfusion. It was all so confusing. God’s mercy is amazing. With only one tube and years of fertility problems, I have since had two other children. God is good all the time!
Thank you so much for sharing, Candace! Your story is encouraging! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story… And the beauty and blessings that have come to you despite and through it. Love reading things like that!
Thank you so much for sharing your story and more importantly, your heart. I went through an ectopic pregnancy almost 15 years ago and 4 miscarriages since. Just because you know what’s going on, doesn’t mean they get easier. I am blessed to have 4 living children who I get to love on and hold daily, but I often wonder what life would be like with my other angel babies. I remember feeling so at peace when I realized I wasn’t alone during the ectopic pregnancy and during my first miscarriage. While I felt like no one knew how I was feeling, I knew there were those who had been there before and survived. Blessings to you and your family as you heal. You will be in my prayers.
I found you via Hearts for Home Blog Hop.
Hi Annette, thanks for sharing your story. I admire you for what sounds like a pretty positive attitude for what you have undergone! Miscarriages are awful.
Jessica, thank you for sharing your story. Although everyone’s stories are different, I can relate to yours.
A little over a year ago I sat in your same shoes going to the ER on Memorial Day. Having the ultrasound tech saying nothing to me while I lay there crying and she was doing the scan, then the doctor coming in and telling me… it was the most painful thing (not physically) emotionally I have ever went through.
By reading your story I can remember how I was in that same facade of control and am still learning as we wait on God for another baby, if it’s in His will! Praying for us as we learn about His will and not our own! And praying for your sweet heart as you endure this!
Thanks so much for sharing, Rachel. You echoed my thoughts and fears. So kind of you to share.
Jessica,
What a sad but triumphant story. I was tearing up throughout the whole thing. I often wonder why any pain or suffering is experienced by one of God’s children. I know if I could help it, I would never allow my children to hurt so badly, right? Then I’m reminded of how pain and fire are where the really raw emotions are… where what we truly believe is as clear as day. Where we are refined and used to help others. It’s where we see how finite we truly are and how desperately we need our God. I’m so encouraged by the way you can see God’s goodness in the midst of your painful experience. Writing is so therapeutic for me as well. I’m so thankful you decided to share your story here. I know there will be countless moms who you will encourage and inspire just by opening up about such a vulnerable thing. Although I have never had an ectopic pregnancy before, I have had a miscarriage. I remember the sadness and the unanswerable questions… But God has a way of going above and beyond with His blessings. He is the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Not only did he give me Reeve after my miscarriage, but I couldn’t have imagined a sweeter, more loving and adorable baby. He really went over the top with this kid. He is truly the joy of my life. I know it’s because He always restores the years the locusts have eaten- tenfold.
Thank you for sharing your story, it is nice to read other people’s experiences. In January my son was still born at 33 weeks due to a placental abruption (I discovered I have an autoimmune clotting disorder) and then in April I found out I was pregnant again, completely unexpected and we speculated that I got pregnant direct after Samuel was born, because the only way we could explain things was that I had bled on and off through the whole pregnancy. The next day I started having intense pain and after going to the ER they told me I had a miscarriage and I needed to have surgery to remove a cyst on my ovary. Turned out when the Dr did surgery 5 days later that I had an ectopic pregnancy that had burst into my abdomen and what they saw was a clot not a cyst. So you are definitely not alone 🙂
Hi,
I came across your blog via Keeper of the Home and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I’ve had 4 miscarriages and the first two were ectopic, with the first one implanting on my ovary. I’ve never heard of anyone else having this before, so it was encouraging to read another believer’s story. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone.
Wow, that is EXACTLY my story. I’d never heard anyone else have an ectopic that was in the abdomen either. It felt like I had knives sticking in my rectum.
(But I am so thankful that it was in the abdomen because it meant my tubes were completely spared and left in tact, and I’ve since had two little girls.)
Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’ve lost four babies. One “normal” miscarriage, if anything like that ever feels normal. Two ectopics treated with methotrexate (the chemo drug-awful!) and this last one which resulted in surgery. I resonated so loudly with you when you talked about “that devil, hope”. We were told that we lost the baby, and then maybe not. For weeks they tried to figure out where the baby was and what was going on. Until one day I was in so much pain, almost loosing consciousness, that they could finally see that I was bleeding internally. I was rushed into surgery and they had to take my tube out. I’m still recovering from the surgery. Its so hard talking to people who don’t know your pain. The world moves on but you struggle. And very few people get that. With each loss, it has amazed me the people who have rallied around me and wrap me up with love. It is never who I expect it to be. At the same time, the people who I think, “I’ll tell them and they will know how to comfort me” never seem to blink twice. I suppose this falls out of my false expectations. Glad to hear the way that God is moving in your heart. I know for me one day I think “Ok, God, I got this- This lesson you gave me. Thank you! I love you” and the next day, I’ll struggle so much. But He knows that, he knows me. So thankful he doesn’t give up.
It saddens me the way the doctor and medical help talked so much of the technicalities of pregnancy and not (well at least from what I could tell in your retelling) anything about the little baby who was growing in what was a hostile environment. It was all about “taking care of the pregnancy.” The little baby who was perhaps alive and kicking was thrown out as if he were a tumor. What a shame. And yes, I am bringing up the question is abortion ok in life and death instances. I think personally that there are instances where you have to choose whose life you must save if you can’t save them all, but I also think that such decisions should not be taken lightly and much care should be taken to find out if in the future perhaps there is a better way, a way to save babies who are ectopic.
BTW is it just me or do ectopic pregnancies happen a lot more recently. I have met several women who have had them, not including those who commented here!
Hi Anna, Thank you for your comments, and the chance to address your concerns. I am heartily, thoroughly pro-life. I should have mentioned in my retelling that the pregnancy hormones in my body were plummeting drastically, indicating that the pregnancy was not viable and my body would attempt to miscarry on its own soon. Additionally, because the baby was located attached to my intestines, the doctor relayed that he/she could not receive the nutrients it needed.
He did specifically address that mothers in my situation often ask if there is a way to save the baby, but in my case, there was not.
I suppose I could have prodded him further, and perhaps should have. At the time, and in my volatile emotional position, I believed what he was saying was correct.
It would be wonderful to learn how to save these little babies.
Thanks again for commenting.
Hi Jessica!
Thank you so much for your encouraging story of hope. God’s grace over our own weaknesses will win out every time! I suffered a miscarriage just this last August (missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and had a D&E), and am now almost 8 weeks pregnant again! I am very thankful another chance, but even if we also lose this baby, God will be there to carry us through again. I have been praying that God will prepare me for whatever there is to come, and He will give us the strength we need to get through every trial. Thank you for your honesty and hope a midst loss, it is like a breath of fresh air to me today!
Thanks for sharing I was just diagnosed with an ectopic November 7th and had surgery that day. Unfortunately I still feel like it’s never going to be over because I ended up having to have a methotrexate injection on Monday because my numbers are still not going down. I feel like no one understands because I don’t know anyone else that has had one. You described exactly how I felt and the symptoms I had. Thanks for being able to write it 🙂
Jessica – I think your last sentence is perfect. You’re right, nothings is wasted.
I am so glad I found this. I had a “typical” tubal ectopic. I found out I was pregnant April 26th. Starting bleeding the 28th. I could tell something was wrong but my dr insured me that I was okay, as my hcg level rose. I decided to go to the emergency room May 9th because from the beginning I felt like something was wrong. They guessed from my levels and my bleeding along with not seeing anything on ultrasound that I miscarried. A week later I went for more blood work and my numbers were still rising. They called me at work saying I should come in right away. They did more blood work and decided that it was ectopic and they gave me methotrexate on June 1st.
June 12th I was home having the same awful pain you described. I ended up in surgery early Saturday morning. It was a long hard ride but I’m glad I can let my body heal and try again. I’m fortunate to have beautiful 5 year old b/g twins. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you so very much for being open and sharing your story. I also had two miscarriages (both ectopic) within a few months of each other. Both ended in emergency surgeries and we now have three little babies to meet in heaven. It’s a rough road for sure….so thankful for the twins we had before these ectopic pregnancies. I am also a home school Mom to our children…who both have an autoimmune disease and food sensitivities/special diets. I have read a few things on your blog and I can relate to so many of your posts. Thanks again for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this. I had a similar situation in 2014 after I had a tubal reversal. Mine was all kinds of weird and scary as well.
I appreciate this so much. I just had an ectopic pregnancy in my tube. The guilt and pain is unbearable. My hcg was only rising by 20pts each day/two days and it didn’t have a heartbeat at over six weeks. I’m so saddened and lost as this was my first pregnancy. No one has gone through this that I know and I feel so alone, especially as a Christian. Thank you for sharing your story.
Olivia, I also had an ectopic for my first pregnancy. We had tried for a year to get pregnant, and it was devastating. I conceived again shortly after the surgery, and my worst stretch marks go over the surgery scars, which I think is poetic. I had 3 more miscarriages, and 3 live births after the ectopic. Then we adopted a child as well, because we just needed more kids but my body had had enough. I hope you have found some hope for your future and some healing from this pain. Please don’t feel guilt. Our God is just, and he will care for those tiny spirits who could not survive until childbirth. He also will not fault you for saving your own life when you have many miracles yet to work in His name.
Thank you for sharing. I’m concerned I may have the same thing going on. Doctors are uncertain and taking more tests but my body feels different than abnormal pregnancy. I’m almost certain this is ectopic
April, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that your situation turned out okay!
Jessica 5 years ago I experienced craziness which I am sure was an abdominal pregnancy that went for 17 werks. It was never discovered and I could feel the baby moving from about week 12. Basically I had zn ultrasohnd and a pat on the head telling me no pregnancy, probably hormonal imbalance. I know God haa a plan and perhaps it wouldve been too emotionally difficult for me to have the baby removed. I havent told most people including my husband because I couldnt get verification. I hope one day there will be proof and I can tell my story. Actually, I am hoping soon, because I had an xray of my hips for bone demsity and they said my bone density is fine but they want to xray my hips and spine again. . I hope they find proof of my little one. Even though the baby dudnt survive, it was amaxing to feel her moving inside me so I will cherish that craxy, special time.