what my sister taught me (& how to enjoy your kids tomorrow)

A few months ago I gave my sister a compliment. (We don’t give each other compliments that often.)

She’d just had a baby, and I said, “You know, you really are doing a good job not complaining about the awful nights of sleep you’re getting.”

She didn’t even miss a beat: “Well, we probably won’t have another one, so I’m trying to enjoy this if it’s the last time.”

I was impressed with her wisdom and maturity, and I thought, I want to be like that with my next baby.

I few weeks later, I miscarried.

I feel I’ve made so many mistakes in each “newborn” stage (complaining, worrying, getting annoyed by lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed and like it will last forever, etc.)

Each pregnancy, each child, for me, is redemption. Each newborn stage is a chance to right my wrongs, to prove I’m a better, stronger, more patient person. To love better, to make more memories.

I’ll be a better mom this time. I’ll enjoy it, this time.

After the miscarriage, I had a horrible, horrible thought.

What if I don’t get a “last time” to be a new mom? What if the last time was the last time?

This doubles the grief. I’m sad for the child I’ve lost, of course.

But also, I’m sad for the last four years, and that I didn’t enjoy it more when it was happening.

This can’t be the end. I have to get another chance to rock a newborn – without being so bitter about how tired I am. I need another shot at soothing a fussy baby – without squandering the time bemoaning my sore arms and legs.

I’m sure a lot of moms mourn the day they realize their last child was their last child. I keep imagining, though, that they are taking to the next stage less regrets than I am.

Of course, this silliness is quite like me – the grieving something that might not even happen. I realize it might be a mute point. But still, I’m resolute.

I might have done a crappy job of enjoying the last four years, but darn it, I’ll do a better job tomorrow.

And it’s got me wondering…how do you enjoy your kids?

I’m not just wondering it right now, as I sit on my chair, on Tuesday night. I’ve been wondering it, for a while. And I’ve been working on it. I’ve been enjoying them.

Here’s how.

• Kneel down. When they’re saying something adorable, get down on their level, and listen, and look them in their beautiful eyes, and see their little lips moving, and their little hands motioning, and watch them. Soak it in.
• Open your eyes. I’m so embarrassed that I have spend complete days engrossed in my work, and my jobs, and my life, and some days, have not spent even one minute looking at my children, really looking at them, in the eyes. Today I plopped down in a little kid chair and watched the boys play their games for twenty minutes. It was my favorite part of the day.
• Give them time. This requires two things. One, you are with them. Two, you are with them (and no one else.) Why is it that I can spend ten minutes in uninterrupted conversation with a repairman, or a neighbor or friend, easily, without guilt, but it sometimes feels like “wasted” time to play trains for five minutes, to sit with someone sleepy on your lap and talk about nothing? Aren’t these little lives the most precious of any I’ll see today? Won’t I want these memories more than any other?

• Ask the Lord for patience. It takes patience to give of yourself to your children. It takes patience to find that good moment, where you can really connect with little ones, feed them and feed you. It takes patience to remember how fragile and precious the years are, when you are tired and tantrums unravel. The Lord gives patience when we ask.
• Also, remind yourself why your job matters. I loved Sally Clarkson’s Mission of Motherhood. Loved it. Her blog is terrific, also.  I’ve heard people say that When Motherhood Feels Too Hard was an all-time favorite book. And, I have really loved the blog Steady Mom, so I know Jamie’s book Mindset for Moms will also be a breath of fresh air.
• Mostly, be with your kids, but sometimes, don’t be with your kids. Every word in that sentence is important. Parenting is so many long, dull days of mundane chores, and repeated warnings, and the same story read fifteen times over. But those long, uneventful hours are important. Also, getting out is important. Refreshment can be as long as a weekend getaway, like my Mom Conference weekend, or medium-sized, like a Morning Planning Retreat. But, heck, a small trip to Target revitalizes my soul. Sad, yet true. I come back, and I enjoy my children more.

Is it easy for you to stop your work and enjoy your children?

 

Follow "Smartter" Each Day on Facebook!

Follow Jessica on Instagram!