Note: This post, about “bored” kids is Part 2 in a summer series I’m doing: “The Parenting Transformation.” Make sure you see Part 1: The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received.”
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Awhile ago, I called my mom in a desperate, desperate moment.
The boys were wearing diapers over their heads. They kept poking each other in the stomach and talking like babies. (Toddler baby talk = the bane of my existence).
They were annoying the heck out of me, and I couldn’t get them to listen to a word I said.
MOM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. THESE KIDS ARE BEING AWFUL. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.
“Oh, I was thinking about this, Jessica. They need some sandpaper. That’s what.”
SANDPAPER? (And I’m wondering if all those years of me sleep deprivation I’ve caused her with my random questions and worries has caused some serious mental damage.)
“Yes. Doesn’t Todd have any? I’m sure you have some in the garage. Go get them some sandpaper. Take them out on the porch, and just make them sand the porch, the whole thing. You guys should really redo that, anyways.”
It was almost as annoying as the baby talk, honestly. These children are nearly driving me to an early grave with their sinfulness, and this dear woman is suggesting that we need a porch makeover??
It took a few weeks of this, actually. Me: whining about their boredom, their misbehavior. And mom: “They need jobs!”
Finally one day I gave it a try. It was the day the boys had taken all the chairs out of the kitchen and partitioned in the living room in an apparent rendition of a Star Wars Episode No One Has Seen. They were arguing over who was the “controller” and hammering each other with the rails of said chairs.
I walked over, nonchalantly as I could, and ordered, Guys, I need you to help me wash these windows.
Of course they looked at me like I was Dark Vader himself, incarnate. But can I tell you, that the most magical, heavenly thing happened?
They DID wash the windows.
And furthermore, can I dare to admit what resulted a mere twenty minutes, 75 rags, and ten gallons of vinegar water later?
They were happy! Not happy like “I got that toy from Target happy.” Like, genuinely, proud, calm, focused…well-behaved.
It was eerie.
Not one to draw unfounded conclusions, I tried it again with woodwork-washing. The same mystical transformation – from thumb-twiddling little hellions to smiling, peaceful human beings.
I have now performed this experiment daily, for the last few months, and I can assure you:
Work. They needed work.
I know what you’re thinking. I thought it, too.
“You cannot imagine the weeping and gnashing of teeth that will ensue when I try to make these children fold a dish towel.”
I hear you, friend, I hear you. The first time is the worst. They will act like you are ripping out all their their baby teeth with dental pliers. Push through. If you need to, read this.
“But it’s just so much easier for me to do it myself.” Amen, sista. Yes. Yes it is! But try it once. Watch them be occupied happily for thirty minutes, while you are all working. See their little faces when they’re done. Watch how the house transforms into a heavenly den of structure and order. You will never turn back.
If you are intrigued by this idea that your kids need less karate camps, fewer mom-orchestrated perfect summer crafts, and more scrubbing the kitchen chairs this summer, here is what you need to know to give it a try.
- Remember our ancestors, and that you are not doing anything cruel and unusual by having your cherubs work. Two hundred years ago, for example, in early American colonies, children as young as three got up at 5 a.m…to work. They would feed the animals, weed the garden, wash the dishes, and then practice their knitting – not to make doilies for Grandma, but to support the family with clothes-making. They worked in the morning, worked in the afternoon, often late into the night. (source.) Nothing in the DNA in the species of “human” has changed since then. If the preschoolers then were capable of knitting all their sweaters, I am pretty sure ours can empty the trash cans without suffering severe mental anguish.
- Don’t make up “kid jobs.” Let them actually help you. Man, did my life get easier when I learned this one. Previously, I tried to make all these little chore charts, mindful of the “age-appropriate, child-appropriate chores.” What a drain! Now, when I get that inkling that the kids need a job, I ask myself, “Self, what do I need done?” Usually Self can come up with 379 jobs that need done, so I pick the first one, and think of something they could do that would ACTUALLY be helpful to me. Am I making lunches? Have them get out ingredients. Washing dishes? Make them dry. Floor crusty and dirty under my feet? Get the broom! Everyone works together to run the household.
- Model exactly how you want it done. If not, you may end up with a dead plant from zealous over-watering. (Said with experience.)
- When you are tired, stressed, with a gazillion jobs to do, MAKE THEM WORK WITH YOU. It is the weirdest phenomenon today. The moms, overworked, Pinterest-pressured to run manicured houses and produce gourmet-looking meals, and yet additionally product a day’s worth of crafts and activities and games and fort-building for the day’s “summer fun” activity. I’m as guilty as the next mom of it.
I submit to you, the problem is the solution. Stop creating more jobs for yourself by adding “entertainer” to your job description.
Just stop it.
And the remaining jobs on your plate? Do them together, as a family. Mamas, trust me. We can chill on the the glitter and apps and Kidz Zone and gardening camp and sidewalk chalk pictionary…Sandpaper, mamas. All we need is sandpaper… 🙂
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note: This post is part of a four-part summer series on The Parenting Transformation. See my post on The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received.
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- My Three Household Rules (And How I Enforce Them)
- My Three-Word Phrase That INSTANTLY gets rid of boredom – I do this every day, and it is like magic.
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*this post is linked to: Happy Home Life, What Joy Is Mine, A Mama’s Story, Mom2Mom, Mommy Moments, Thoughtful Spot Weekly Blog Hop, Motivation Monday, Titus2Tuesday, Good Tips Tuesday, Turn It Up Tuesday, Homeschool and Parenting Linky, Tuesday Talk, and Think Tank.
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I was curious where you were going with the title, but I think you (and your mom) make an excellent point. I know in my experience, giving my kids a job to help with dinner prep is so much less stressful than watching them run around the house like crazy people and having to break up disputes. I haven’t had them help me with much cleaning up to this point, but I really think I should. Thanks for the great perspective.
With all the things I have to do and take care of everybody, my kids roll their eyes and ignore me and I just decided to let it all go!!
It’s all to stressful, nobody can do nothing besides me!! It’s ridiculous!!
You can’t really seem to get them to listen and help get things done!
It can be hard, but once you’ve gotten them to help and they realize you’re serious, you’ll find tremendous peace 🙂 It can be done! 😀
The word you need to remember is “consistency”. We cannot raise functioning members of society by being wishy washy.
I’m going to be blunt because I have been there! You kids roll their eyes & ignore you because you let it go. Let me repeat other words I just read on here: You’re The Mom. If your children don’t listen to you it is because your action, or lack of action, as taught them to misbehave rather than taught them to listen to you. Tell your children plainly what you expect. Set aside 15 min a day to work with them briefly showing them how to do the job you want of them. Check that they did it correctly & gently have them redo if done wrong (but don’t expect it to be mom perfect!). If you are ignored or if there is excessive complaining use whatever form of discipline your family prefers (for us this would be things like loss of an outing or electronics time, but really whatever works for that particular kid!). Stick to your guns! You can do it & they can learn how!
Jessica!! I love this article!!! It is so true!!! It brought to mind when you were a little girl and you helped do the upstairs windows of my house. Do you remember standing on the front porch roof with your brother, sisters and cousins? We used to run the hose up and had buckets and rags for everyone. I have a picture of it somewhere.
Aunt Rebecca, I do remember that! I also remember helping you mop the floor, folding clothes… Come to think of it we were always working over there! And it was one of my favorite places to be in the whole world!
I can hear my mom saying the same thing and it taking a while to process in my head. (Until I am really desperate.) Haha The truth is so simple in this article and I love it! Kids aren’t bored, they’re lazy. Wow, I need to step it up a notch as being a mom. 🙂
Make a chore chart and no computer etc. until it’s done. My kids help me a lot!
God forbid you let kids be kids and have some fun. Just because you find their antics annoying doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them. The kids aren’t lazy. It’s the parents that are lazy, think having kids means they can get the kids to do all the house work in the name of “discipline”.
“They were happy! Not happy like “I got that toy from Target happy.” Like, genuinely, proud, calm, focused…well-behaved.”
Did you miss that part? Being productive and feeling like you are making a contribution are the keys to happiness at any age. I already see this in my one year old. She is so proud of herself when she does things like bringing me my purse or carrying items from one parent to another. I agree that play time is important, and nowhere in the article does she say her children are working from dawn until dusk, but teaching children to work is also incredibly important. I can tell you from personal experience that the Saturdays from my childhood that began with a list of chores tended to go better than Saturdays we were left to our own devices. After working we played *with* each other instead of just trying to get each other riled up.
She isn’t saying to keep them working for every moment of every day. She isn’t saying that we need to work them like we live in the colonies still. Give them a job when they’re “bored”, that’s all. And stop entertaining. Have you never seen a child’s face (or adult, for that matter) when they master or accomplish something? Pure joy! And do you have children? I have 7 and know by experience that they feel good about doing something productive.
She’s teaching them how to 1)keep a house clean so they don’t live in a pigsty as grownups 2)be responsible 3)learn to be part of a family instead of being self-centered and all the while giving them the gift of achievement and pride in their work.
As a working mom, I need help. I cannot work 8 hours a day, drive for 2, and meet all kid and spouse needs daily while keeping a clean house. Kids need to help too.
I’ve read all the modern day stuff about a “kids job being play and exploration” while it’s the parents job to work. I thought it was great advice at first. But really, when I sat back and thought about what I wanted to instill in my children, it was that they are a part of something bigger than themselves. Yes, they get ample time to play, but they are also expected to participate in all areas of family life, one of which is taking care of their stuff, and also helping take care of their community, our family.
I’ve heard people knock other families for expecting everyone to pitch in at the expense of “letting kids be kids” but then I’ve seen those kids grow up without knowing how to make Mac n cheese, keep metal out of the microwave (at 18 eyears of age), and think that when their boss expects them to complete a task, (s)he’s a twit, like they should get paid to surf facebook. That, to me, is the real disservice.
My kids spend hours outdoors swimming and riding bikes with the neighbors, but they still get bored and they still need to learn how to function in real life. They need to know how to fold laundry and clean toilets and cook meals etc and help their parents who do so much for them
I have to say, I have known some kids that were never given tasks, responsibility and chores. I was around when that child was 19 and got his first job. I was also there when a week later he quit that job because it was too hard. He wasn’t used to having to get up on time, get to work on time, actually WORK at work instead of do what he felt like. Children need to “practice” being respectful, responsible, productive so they become that in their adult life. When a child has spent 18 years doing what they want, when they want, you can’t honestly expect them to “flip a switch” and all of the sudden be a model citizen. It just doesn’t work that way! I agree, she never said she doesn’t allow her children to play, she said this is a solution for bored, whiny children (of which I have 4!) and I can say that they actually prefer to be given something to do, even a project, than to have all that time to fight and get in trouble. I occasionally tell my children they have to get creative and come up with something to do, but they prefer direction!
So timely. So good. So simple. So true.
I have five boys and we have “worked them” since they were babies. Lol!
“If you can empty a toy box, you can fill it” mentality. You hit the nail on the head here that kids are lazy. Shoot adults are too! Speaking for myself of course.
They problem today is that children are no longer considered part of the team/family, but rather decorations and celebrities. Giving your kids real work, that really helps you and the family is incredible for their development and self esteem (and your and my sanity).
I have found that it is very necessary to work alongside kids and teens too. Model good attitudes, work ethic, and diligence. Don’t forget to teach them to stand back and admire a job well done as well.
So good!
Yes to everything!
My son, from about age 7 would get stuck in horrible stubborn meltdowns (he still does on occasion at age 11!) and I’d give him a big job to do, from pulling weeds at age 7 to figuring out how to take out, hose off, and replace the air cabin filter in the car (age 10). Within minutes his awful mood would disappear.
We do a huge disservice to our kids when we let them sail through life obstacle free. Every human being’s primary desire is to belong. Pitching in with real chores (as you noted, fake-helpful jobs won’t cut it!) cements that sense of belonging to the group — in this case, the family.
Thank you very much for this valuable information!
You nailed it on the head! We are not our children’s entertainer! My 2 year old loves to help mommy and at times I think I want to just get it done but I’m not raising my child to be a child forever one day she will be an adult and have to do adult things so I better start teaching, showing, and giving her opportunities to become the adult I want her to become!
Hello there! I saw this post on fb and started poking around your blog. I feel like we have much in common. I too am a homeschooling mama, fellow blogger, and sister in Christ. Some of the books you mentioned on your reading list are my faves! The internet is such a crazy thing, I’ve never met you, but I want to be your friend. 🙂 I digress…
As for this post, my children help me with a lot around the house. I’m a firm believer in teaching them to work, and contribute to our family (and to society). We don’t have chores, we have family contributions. 😉 My 6, 8, and 10 yr olds do their own laundry. It really takes a load off me–haha excuse my cheesy pun.
A pleasure to “e-meet” you! Blessings to you.
I can’t believe you spelled my name wrong…do you know who I am?
Awesome!
Nice article, I remember being 6 or 7 years old and my mom writing up a chore chart.
Yeah… Don’t remember feeling very proud of getting stuff done (more just wanted to get it done so I could go play with friends).
A side note: It’s “Darth” Vader not “Dark” Vader 😉
Dark Vader? DARK Vader?? LOL, it’s Darth Vader. That’s such a Mum mistake.
Oh yes. After 4 days this week of my frustrated angry lectures at my boys who were bored and avoiding work like the plague, I banned electronics during daylight hours and told them there will be jobs to do everyday this summer. Since summer vacation basically was invented so kids could help with the spring and summer harvest I knew they could handle it. Today they worked and didn’t complain and I didn’t feel resentful and angry when they sat this evening and played ds for an hour. Thanks for reinforcing what I know. Kids need to work.
Amen!! I experienced this amazing phenomenan this week! I started having my 5-year-old and 2-year-old helps round the house. Folding laundry, cleaning their room, emptying the dishwasher. One of the afternoons, after doing chores in the morning, my son actually laid a blanket outside and got a basket of books to read. I think he was so tired from the work he was just happy to lay outside and read. Wohoo!! It’s the first week of summer and he hasn’t complained once about being bored. You’re so right. Kids have helped their parents since the dawn of time, and ours should too! 🙂
Yes! Kids do like to help, and they should help! I had mine vacuum and put away laundry yesterday, and there were no complaints. Which is amazing from 11 year olds, by the way. Then we went to the beach. Win-win.
Oh, God forbid they have any fun. That’s not allowed here. Fun is something up which I will not put.
But kids DO have fun when they work. Remember the song “Whistle While You Work”? Working at and accomplishing tasks and daily chores, brings a tremendous amount of pleasure to young and old alike.
Well, I don’t think them sitting and arguing is much for anyone, so putting them to work definitely sounds like the better option to me. Besides, doing work around the house can be fun. My mom always had little chores for us in the summer, and because we got to choose which chores we did, we didn’t mind doing them. I especially liked helping with the flower and vegetable gardens, because when all was said and done, I had something beautiful to show for all my hard work 🙂
I try to have my kids pitch in regularly but have a hard time distinguishing between where their help and work ends and mine just starts. I’m a stay-at-home mom and I know I need their help to get it all done and to maintain it but when I have them doing things and they’re really complaining, I question whether I’m being realistic or making them do something I should be doing myself. How do you balance it? I have 3 children 9-12 and 3 3-7 so a variety of ages that can help!
This is definitely the truth! It works with my kids, literally from my 1 year old to my 6 year old. They are happiest when helping mommy or daddy accomplish something that needed doing.
I have noticed the same thing with my 13 year old. He can be in the worst mood when I drop him off at swim practice, but when I come back two hours later he is an angel. I think just having time to burn off some energy by working out and taking some time to think about things puts him in a better mood.
I came across your post on FB via Classical Academic Press. Sista, you are right on the money. With a 20, 23, & 25 now, I know the fruits of doing this–but wish I had done even more. Lots more. And even more for the boys. Boys get into trouble when they’re bored–at first annoying things, but the stakes get A LOT higher (for themselves and others) when they are bored teenagers or young men. I think our culture is filled with lots of bored man-boys who were not required to work and sweat and toil.
I remember my mom making me do extra work around the house if I was bored or felt sorry for myself. Nothing like doing something for someone else to get you out of yourself.
Thanks for presenting such good advice with a sense of humor and humility.
Yes.
I’m not sure if this is accurate (I don’t speak French), but once I was told that in French “I’m bored” roughly translates into, “I annoy myself.”
We do keep busy—with real things, not “make work”—but if my kids ever do start getting that kind of annoying I’ve always told them either, “Stop annoying yourself.” or “I need to find you something to do so you can stop annoying yourself.” They rarely get bored and, in fact, when they have some real free time, they gobble it up doing cool stuff. 🙂
You are right! I make my kids work non-stop and they like it. It makes them feel like valuable parts of the family.
Love this! It’s something that we’ve been working hard on implementing with our kids (ages 9, 7 and 5) to give them actual household work that needs to be done and when done makes it easier on the entire family. Once you start getting the kids involved in work around the house it’s amazing to see that you no longer have to clean up after them because they learn to just help out or they’ll have to do it later any ways.
I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old. They have a list of things to do each day. Honestly, there is a lot of work to be done! I want to be sure to give them enough blank space in their day. Seriously, there is so much to do, they could work 8 hours a day! 🙂 Any ideas about how much that would be? An hour? Longer? 30 min? Should I think of whining as an indication of too much blank space?
Great thoughts here. I have a friend who really involves her children in chores and making soaps etc and they are very productive kids, even though they are highly energetic and noisy!
This is so true! If we lead by example and take joy in our work, we should be happy to share that joy-finding opportunity with our children!
Great article! My kids love to help too, and I like that they are learning life skills. You know how little kids like to pretend to be grown ups? People pay money for toy lawnmowers and play kitchens. Yet, kids love to get to help for REAL! (found you on the Thoughtful Spot)
I love this! It really works. My three year old actually enjoys when I let him help, instead of trying to direct him. I give him a rag and tell him to dust….it may not be perfect, but he’s proud of himself, and it looks better than it did. May have to give that sandpaper trick a try 😉
Great post, I totally agree with everything that you have said, I am guilty however of making up ‘kid jobs’ for my daughter, I will definitely try to stop doing this and actually get my daughter to actually do things that will help me. Thanks for sharing, it’s amazing how our mama’s are always right even now that we a mama’s ourselves. #mamamomentsmonday
Great post!! Thanks for linking it up to Think Tank Thursday. I’m going to be featuring it this week at http://saving4six.com/ .
Having children work along side of you makes way for teachable moments. Your mother is a wise woman. Thanks for sharing at Tuesday Talk.
Teaching kids to work is one of the most important gifts you can give them! So often it is easier to do it yourself, but then that’s not doing them any service. We all need to feel proud of a job well done! Thanks for sharing with SYC.
hugs,
jann
That is great your children found such satisfaction from their work. What a great learning opportunity! Thanks for linking to Tuesday Talk. I will be featuring your post next week!
True, true, true! Kids love to help and will do a good job if you let them. It’s not wrong to expect them to do work around the house, it’s training them to be responsible adults and it’s validating their existence as productive family members.
And…it’s “Darth” Vader, not Dark. Although he is a pretty dark character.
Yes, I needed to read this.
OH yes! SO important! BTW, it’s DarTH Vader, not darK 🙂 LOL I wonder when parents fell away from having kids do actual work? We need to get back to that so our kids can grow up knowing to DO things for themselves and others
This is exactly what I tell younger Moms all the time! Your children need to work, they need to learn real skills, and we need to stop trying to do it all. So well written!
Disgusting article. Teaching parents to USE their kids as free labor. First of all boredom is good for kids it leads them to use their imagination and creativity. Secondly this article is a bad excuse to force kids to do the parents housework. Only lazy parents would jump for it and sadly there have always been many lazy parents glad to put their housework on their kids.
Now let’s see the various excuses given. Chores teach work ethic and responsibility. I have seen this one on various websites. The fact is though that children have already a job that is designed to teach work ethic, that job is school, education. Not only is the child required to attend school which makes him or her responsible of getting to a job on time and follow the requirements of that job but also loads kids with work to be completed at home. So the child learns to complete assignments for their job at off working hours. School education is the best teacher in work ethic so using chores doesn’t add anything to it. Actually enforcing chores via the threat of punishment teaches the child that his parents can use him or her [and nothing more]. A person who is being used is not learning any work ethic but inwardly resents the forced work. As soon as that person is free or stronger than the parent he or she will throw the load away.
Some say that chores teach discipline. First of all, chores should never be used as a means to discipline a child. Using chores that way will only create people who associate work with punishment. Such association will create a bad work ethic and a person who will do whatever to get out of doing work which he sees as a bad thing. Also chores on their own do not instil discipline. A disciplined person is a person who does a needed job even when he doesn’t feel like it but such a person has learned to want and need to do it. Thus in order for chores to instil discipline, the child should have learned to feel an inward need to get things done. This does not happen by forcing the child to do jobs but is done by modelling this behaviour in front of the child. Thus a parent who by example shows that he or she does chores because they are needed to be done and doesn’t swift that responsibility on others will teach this value to the kids. On the other hand, putting the kids to do what he or she doesn’t feel like doing just teaches that if we can bully someone else in doing our chores… go for it! Also when the child is finally free from parental “law” will resent doing that which he did against his will and won’t be a disciplined person.
Others say that chores teach helping. Here is the biggest misconception of all. Forcing chores doesn’t teach helping because what the child is doing isn’t helping. When a human being is forced to complete a job, its forced labour and when not paid then its free forced labour. As the child is not helping but working against his will then he is not a helper. A helper works willingly and chose to help. Chores teach skills. One doesn’t need to force his children to do chores in order to teach skills. One can teach skills and things as fun activities and of course a child is not needed to do the job that involves the specific skill all the time. Examples: Cooking, baking, moping, sweeping, etc. all these things are very easy to teach children and don’t need to develop into chores. Also they aren’t rocket science, anyone can really learn them at any point in life.
The simple fact is that many people, including me, have grown up not forced to do chores and yet we have work ethic, we are responsible, we have self-discipline, we offer our help freely to others and we can do our housework. So the truth is that all these are empty excuses made up in order to convince parents to use their kids and believe me… many parents are lazy anyway so jump to it… if junior cleans the living room then mommy won’t have to. So mommy uses junior in order to benefit herself.
There is a big difference between the role of a parent and a minor child in the family setting. The parents are the ones who chose the responsibility of taking care of a child. Parents are required by law to provide food, shelter, clothing, medical care, education, etc. to their children. It’s not the child’s job to take care of the parent but the parents of the child. Children have no keep to earn. The parents are obligated to “keep” them. It’s the parents who should earn the keep. The house belongs to the parents and the housework is the parent’s responsibility not the children’s. Any parent who forces a child to take on that responsibility is trying to get rid of their own responsibility. Children are not adult, children are not guests, children are children. Childhood has needs. When humans start walking around they have a need to get to know their world. They do that by playing and examining things. Forcing 2 or 3 year olds to do “age appropriate” chores is really criminal. There are things a 2-year-old can do but that doesn’t mean that forcing him or her to do it as a “responsibility” is correct. Stressing out a child from the tender age of 2 could really harm the human’s mental health. It’s shocking that the “chore” pushing “experts” do not [?] see this. Children need play. Play is very important in childhood, maybe the most important things. Children need education. Children need plenty of rest. Modern society is confusing children with adults. A child cannot have adult responsibilities, when he gets to adulthood he will have them… no need to worry. Also older children get already stressed out with their primary job [school] they don’t need further stress added on them. Again these things are of paramount importance.
If you were a true Christian you would not be promoting this clever method of child exploitation. Jesus blessed the children, he did not use them.
I hope you repent.
PS: That children use to be abused and exploited doesn’t mean we should continue doing it. Many bad and evil things use to happen. WAKE UP!